Robot-Zombies, a/k/a Hebrews, Doing Business As Usual

Reading Leviticus 10:1-5, we can gather that ancient Hebrews were emotionless bastards who had no sympathy or compassion whatsoever. Hopefully a few modern ones have a heart; their ancestors sure the hell didn't.

Every time Yahweh kicked someone's ass, we read of no expressions of grief, no sadness, no funerals, no eulogies for the dearly departed. Instead, Moses, Aaron, and the other cruel assholes who led the mobile encampment in its peregrinations around the desert simply went about business as usual.

In verses 1 and 2 of Lev. 10, an angry Yahweh (what else is new?) burns the fuck out of two priests for offering "strange fire." What was strange about it or why Yahweh didn't like it is not explained, so we'll have to wait 'til we get to Heaven to ask God what the fuck He had in mind.

Maybe God simply didn't care for the incense that was used in this particular ritual. "What the hell are you doin'?! You used Opium No. 5 in this fire! You know I like Black Love and Strawberry Fields! Fuck, next time you better at least use Patchouli! Die for your sin, motherfuckers! I am I Am! I am the Lord thy God Almighty! Burning the wrong fucking incense upon my holy fires is not permitted. You're outta here!" And poof!, the priests go up in smoke.

After the sons of Aaron are consumed, Moses and Aaron merely proceed to have their corpses removed from the camp (human bodies, especially dead ones, were most likely considered unclean). As usual, no one gives a fuck about the dead men, no one cares, no emotion is shown or sense of mourning expressed. Not even Aaron, who is their father, shows any grief.

Nadab and Abihu merely made the mistake of using the wrong incense. They should've used a flavour which was a sweet savour unto the Lord's holy nostrils. They thought the SuperHit and Nag Champa smelled cool at the local head shop so they snagged a few sticks 'n cones. But when they ignited it, their end was nigh.

Weak-kneed and dry-throated, Nadab and Abihu had a quick huddle, lamenting their imminent fate.

"Damn, Nahab! I told you we should've grabbed the Vanilla Musk. I know Yahweh would have dug that!"

"Goddamnit, Abihu, you never said that! You insisted on the SuperHit and Nag Champa!"

The doomed men then pleaded with God to spare them, but fire moves faster than words. They corrected God, letting him know they'd brought SuperHit and Nag Champa to the altar of sacrifice, not Opium No. 5, but God, not an incense expert, doesn't like to be argued with and isn't too fond of democracy or freedom of speech, so He ended their sad little lives.

I have a couple of theories as to why ludicrous incidents like this were included in The Babble. One is that since the children of Israel were ruled with an iron fist by the priests, stories about what happened when the children got out of line were carved into stone and circulated to sustain the fear of God (actually, of priests) in the people. In Lev. 10 we see that even priests were not safe, so this was probably a method of keeping the lesser (second tier) of the hierarchy of priests in line with unwavering obedience to the head priests.

Another conjecture is that no one felt safe because God was always killing someone. So, actions like erasing a Hebrew priest for burning "strange fire" were written out of reasons of insecurity, psychologically making those who hadn't yet been killed by a capricious God feel just a little more secure. I bet the poor Hebrew fucks were always wondering if they were next. I know I would have been.