Welcome to the Bible like you've never seen it before.

Welcome to the most blasphemous and irreverent commentaries on the Bible you've ever encountered. And hopefully the most entertaining, and humorous.

Reading the Bible is fun. Please, when you read these commentaries, have your Bible handy. It's much better if you read the verses before and after you read what I have to say than if you read only my words. Read God then read me.

Keep in mind that I always use the King James Version. It's the version used by God in the Dark Ages in the disembowelment and conquest of heathens and infidels - you know, the bloody Crusades and Inquisition.

The KJV is the only version that counts or matters. All other translations are bastard-childs and of the Devil.

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The Hebrew versions of creation are obviously mythical and un-divine.

Yes, that's right - there were two accounts: the Yahwhist and the Elohist, and they overlap each other in Genesis.

The rest thing is what throws me when I read these creation myths. God had already taken it easy for all of eternity past, so He was well-rested when He created the world. So for Him to rest again after six days of creation is an absolutely preposterous notion. It doesn't fucking matter how long those six days were, a 24-hour sidereal period or a thousand-year day. For an infinite being to need rest at all, even after the "work" of creation, is insane.

Of course, like the other details of the Hebraic creation myth, God's resting is borrowed from earlier myths from other peoples. Those myths were likewise ludicrous in suggesting that a god would need a break...