Mandrake Seduction, Or, How To Drug Your Man For Sex

Genesis 30:14-17

Date rape is nothing new.

Long before date rape became a common vice in the 1990s, it was practiced in the Bible. Since drugs hadn't been invented yet, the people of those times had to rely on the wondrous powers of herbs, even when they wanted to violate someone against their will.

Mandrake was the date rape drug of choice. It was the focal point of the battle of Leah and Rachel, two warring wives who happened to be married to the same holy man of God. In this soap-operatic passage, one of Jacob's wives bitches out his other bitch in a fit of jealousy and scorn, even attempting to swindle her son's mandrakes. The son saves the mandrakes for his mother, protecting them from the evil co-wife, then his mother somehow sneakily intoxicates Jacob then fucks him mercilessly and becomes impregnated with their fifth son.

The details are only implicit, but we can conclude that somehow Jacob was beguiled by the powerful sedative effects of the mandrake, which had a reputation for being an aphrodisiac.

One thing we can't overlook is the polygamy alluded to in the verses. 'Ol Jake had at least two wives (maybe more which aren't mentioned here, who knows?). How dare Christians make fun of Mormons for their pro-polygamy stance. Polygamy was a common thing among men of God in the Bible, and this is no surprise since women were nothing but toys and tools for the multiplication of warriors to restock God's armies of conquering Hebrews.

As is typical of the Bible, many details are left out. One is, how did Leah dope up Jacob with the mandrakes? Maybe she ground some root down with a mortar and pestle then dropped a few milligrams into Jake's cocktail. Maybe she chewed on some root for awhile but didn't swallow, keeping some of the powerful natural drug on her tongue and waiting for Jacob to thrust his tongue into her mouth during foreplay.

This passage is also somewhat confusing (as usual - what else is new when reading the Bible?). First of all, why in the fuck would Leah feel the need to drug her hub so they could do the nasty? They'd already had four kids together, so they'd fucked at least four times. But wait, maybe that's it. Yeah that's it exactly. Jake was probably tired of the slut, and she was undoubtedly on the loose side after giving birth to four offspring.

A really perplexing phrase is in verse 16. Leah speaks of "my son's mandrakes" when talking to Jacob. Why didn't she say "our son's mandrakes"? The following verse says the couple's fifth son would be the outcome of that heady night's drug-induced fuckfest. But Leah calls her son "my son." Was the boy from a previous marriage? Man, Genesis is a fucking soap opera! It sounds uncannily like 21st century America.

Another curiosity is how meekly Rachel acquiesces after trying to take Leah's mandrakes from her. Rachel wanted to fuck Jacob that night too, but quickly gave up and told Leah she'd be the lucky fuckee. I'm surprised Rachel didn't jump in on the action when Leah was humping Jake.

Possibly the most curious of all the verses in this passage, however, is the final one. God somehow gets involved in the sex. He "hearkens" unto Rachel, ensuring she will pop out yet another male to a male-dominated "society." Somehow it becomes a celestial threesome with God groping for some action. He'd probably been watching the whole time, then maybe got excited from being a peeping tom then slithered into the sleeping bag with Leah and Jake. Who knows? We have to wait 'til we get to Heaven to ask God.