Leviticus 8 and 9

The meaning of the wave offering is obvious. The Levite priests simply wave pieces of dead meat in Yahweh's face, to satiate his insatiable ego. The meaning of the heave offering, though, takes a little more thought, or a little more delving into the mode of reductio ad absurdum. I finally discerned it though, but I had to think like a Christian to do it. I had to dive headlong into irrational thought patterns, and once there it didn't take me long to figger out what the heave offerings signify. After eating burnt animal carcasses day after day after day, the priests' alimentary canals became overloaded and overworked. They had no recourse but to heave their ingested but partially digested food back at Yahweh. Yes, puke in God's face. Yes, the burnt offerings became puke offerings. And I'm sure God slew them for it.

Leviticus 11

Interminable gibberish about what animals to eat and what ones not to eat.

In verses which contain Yahweh's dietary instructions, how often do we read a fucking thing about fruits and veggies? Rarely. We hardly see a word about healthy foods like grains and legumes. And we never read a syllable about herbal supplements.

No wonder the holy hordes were always wondering around to and fro in the desert looking for milk and honey - they were trying to exercise off all the animal fat and red meat their all-wise God had made them ingest.

I mean, every fucking time someone fucked up, God thundered from Heaven for Moses or Aaron to go kill a sheep or goat then feed it to all the other chosen ones. The continual cycle of fucking up-carnage of helpless animals-ingestion of the animal victims to atone for all the fuck-ups, must have made the children of Israel a bunch of fat motherfuckers. Lucky for them their desert region was large and hot.

Where's the veggies?

The Meaning Of "Bald" Confirmed!

Hallelujah! I just got saved.

After reading Leviticus 13:40 I realize that the God of the Bible must be the master of the cosmos after all. "And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald..."

Man, how profound! What an infinitely wise God we are dealing with here. Any God who is this brilliant must be God with a capital G.

I just re-read verse 41 as well, and Holy Shit!, it confirms what v. 40 says. Any God who can figure out that a man who loses his forehead hair is "forehead bald" is a pretty damn smart deity! This is the God I want to worship, yes indeed.

Yahweh Evidently Not A Member Of PETA

When perusing the fourteenth chapter of that most brilliant of biblical books: Leviticus, we safely conclude that Yahweh/BibleGod was not a dues-paying member of any animal rights organizations, and not even a supporter of them in principle.

Why did an innocent animal have to be killed every fucking time something significant happened in the Israelite camp? Instead of being relieved that his leprosy was finally gone, for example, a cured leper had to immediately go to his priest, who then went through a complicated process of sacrificing birds and lambs to commemorate the departed disease. The children of Israel could never just relax, lie around and shoot the breeze, or have a picnic and a good 'ol time, or tell stories around the campfire at night. Yahweh was always making them "celebrate" by working and sacrificing. And animals were always the victims of this fucked-up "society."

Seed Begotten, Seed Forgotten

Leviticus 15:16-18

This immeasurably backward book - probably the most retarded in the entire anthology of 66, continues in the fifteenth chapter by addressing the "seed of copulation."

In modern times, this is known as "semen," "jizz," "jism," and "cum."

I can't help but notice an omission here. Surely masturbation was a hobby in Bible days, like it has been ever since and is now. And surely it was an offense punishable by smiting. But the text doesn't mention the "seed of masturbation." But any Hebrew dude who espied an Israelite babe taking a bath in a desert oasis or a shit in the desert and fell in lust with her and beat off in the bushes spewing his seed of masturbatory ejaculation out of sight of everyone but Yahweh, is at a loss here about what measure of atonement to take after such a defilement, which Yahweh surely viewed as a sin against His holiness.

Likewise, any Israelite chick who played with herself at night after Moses and Aaron were asleep while fantasizing about the well-endowed Hebrew hunks in the encampment was equally sinning against Yahweh.

Surprising that these verses don't tell us He struck dead any of His children caught in the act of doing such a dirty deed. If He'd kill someone for using the wrong flavour of incense, or for fucking someone else's wife or hub, he'd surely kill horny Heeb studs for jacking off.

Curious that Yahweh would give explicit instructions on cleansing the seed of copulation but not the seed of masturbation. Maybe the omission is because he ain't a hip God. Maybe since He's the primitive God of a primitive people, He's never heard of auto-eroticism.


A new translation of Leviticus 19:14: "Thou shalt not place objects in the walking path of thy blind fellows, lest they trippeth up."


Leviticus 19:20-22

The god who discriminates against the handicapped elsewhere in Leviticus also discriminates against slaves and women, and slave women. This sexist, male chauvinist pig of a deity whom millions worship in fear and ignorance here shows favoritism to the male but punishes the female. Actually, since this deity does not exist, the Levite priests and others who manufactured it to serve their own ends discriminate against women because of their lust for power and bias for patriarchy.

Leviticus 20

Stone them 'til they bleed, sayeth the compassionate Yahweh.

When I read verse 11, I wonder: Is this where an early version of the phrase "mother fucker" came from?

Verse 10:

Yet more hypocrisy by Christians! Surely, some of the adulteresses who committed adultery with the adulterers ended up with child later on! So, when Yahweh had them killed He was killing a future unborn baby also. But Xtians say you can't do that. They scream in anger about Roe v. Wade. They insist a fetus, yea, even a zygote, is a person. They screech that abortion is murder and march around abortion clinics and picket and sometimes kill abortion-performing doctors and their staff members. They bomb Planned Parenthood offices. Then they go to church on Sunday and worship a deity who killed anyone who committed adultery and the potential babies resulting from such adultery, without taking pains to preserve the fetus first. Perhaps in their twisted logic it's okay for God to kill unborn babies, as long as humans don't do it.

Moreover, in the Old Testament days, noone used condoms. The only birth control methods were certain herbs (which killed zygotes and fetuses), and pulling out, so no matter how careful the adulterers and adulteresses were, surely "accidents happened" and unwanted babies came into the picture.

Verse 13:

The same God who discriminates against handicapped people, slaves, women, and slave women elsewhere in Leviticus and The Babble also despises gay men.

Verses 15-16:

The ever-loving God commands the killing of innocent beasts who have no choice in participating in acts of bestiality.

Leviticus 21

Verse 9:

Woe unto the preachers' daughter...God hates you! I didn't say it - the Bible says it!

Notice He has no mercy at all on the fornicating daughter. It is only the father's honor that matters, which makes even more sense considering the status of the father as a priest who preaches the message of Yahweh, enforces the laws to keep the Hebrew rabble in line, and has the nascent political system by the balls.

The dastardly Jehovah, once just a storm god, is evolving into a fire god, apparently. He must have a pyromaniac complex. Earlier in the Babble he devoured Aaron's offending sons with fire, and now he threatens to burn a daughter who shames her daddy by fucking.

I ask all modern preachers and preachers' daughters: Is this the God you worship?

Yet another instance of Yahweh's contempt for women, or actually, the priesthood's contempt for women...

Verse 11:

It's common sense not to have sex with corpses! So, by relaying this command against necrophilia, is BibleGod admitting He created a planet of morons?

The sophistry of the authors of The Babble is matchless.

Anyone who claims Yahweh is a God of love and forgiveness has either: never read Leviticus 20 and 21, or, not paid attention while reading them, or, has a warped concept of love and morality and fairness, or, all of the above.

Verses 16-23:

Evidently, Heaven has no handicapped parking spaces. Probably no handicapped angels either. Or handicapped people...

Verses 18 and 20:

The "anything superfluous" phrase further limits the number of offerers. The exclusion would include Israelites with warts, tumors, skin cancer, liver spots, corns, bunions, calluses, bumps and bruises, etc., etc..

Blind, lame, dwarf, crookbackt; having blemishes in the eye, scurvy, rickets, Lyme disease, Rocky Mountain spotted fever, West Nile virus...all these imply either genetic defect or transmissible impairment. Why didn't the God of DNA simply encode humans so that no afflictions would affect them? Wouldn't that be wiser, kinder and easier than letting some Hebrews be born with these imperfections then cruelly excluding them from entering the sanctuary, thereby making them feel like shit?

Some diseases are merely the outcome of vitamin and mineral deficiencies, and can be precluded by greater plant intake. So why didn't BibleGod, during his monotonous utterances, mention plants more often? Why didn't he instruct his peculiar people to eat plants with rich vitamin content? The dietary intake ordered by BibleGod was heavy on animal meat, including fat!, throughout the OT. Couldn't BG have found some way to ensure his chosen children would have a balanced diet with plenty of nutrition in the first place?

Leviticus 25

Verses 3-4:

For years you tend your crops, cultivate your farmland, be agriculturally responsible, then you take a whole year off!

Let the ants, aphids, locusts, grasshoppers, weevils and vermin take over and gobble up all your hard work. Let the kine and lamb starve from lack of fields to browse. Allow a myriad of plant diseases, a botanical reign of terror. Let the weeds rule. It's okay, don't worry about it - you can just fuck off for a year! Yahweh says it's okay.

Verse 8:

What a master mathematician is this Hebrew deity. I bow down humbly now, confess my past forsaking of Him, do hereby duly repent, and contritely thank Him, for explaining to me that seven multiplied by seven equals forty-nine. Deadly fucking accurate. I could never have figured it out without His help. Holy fuckin' shit, any god who's this smart is a god I want to worship.

Verses 9-11:

Now I'm having doubts about the Heeb God's status as mathematical genius and inventor of the multiplication table. In verses 3 and 4, JehovahGod told the children of Israel to forsake their fields and vineyards every seventh year. This would make the forty-ninth year a fuck-off year. But in this passage JG declares that the fiftieth year shall also be a fuck-off year. So that's two years in a row of neglecting the grains, fruits and veggies. What a fine way to teach responsibility and work ethics to your chosen people. The Hebrews who wrote the Old Testament evidently had a low opinion of themselves to invent such an irresponsible god.

Verses 44-46:

This versatile chapter moves to a different subject in its latter verses. Verses 44, 45 and 46 teach slavery. For sure. No interpretation necessary. No PFUI* can rescue pious Christians this time.

Read this passage. This is not symbolic. This is literal. This is cruel. This is slavery.

*PFUI = Possible Fucked-Up Interpretation

Leviticus 26

One of the sweetest little chapters in the entire Good Book!

In verses 16 and 17 and 22, Yahweh proves once more He is a hardened baby-hater. For this reason alone I can never worship Him, since I love babies. This one reason is enough, but I have plenty of others for rejecting Yahweh.

Verses 18 and 28:

Isn't sevenfold punishment a little severe, just a little harsh? Wouldn't a one-to-one punishment ratio be a little more fair, just and equitable, not to mention compassionate?

Verses 29-38:

The cannibal-god promises flesh-eating, waste and desolation if He is not obeyed. George Romero ain't got nothin' on this dude.

I Samuel
II Samuel