Joshua And His Merry Band Of Homicidal Sociopaths

A Commentary On the Book of Joshua

The first book after the Pentateuch is one of the bloodiest in the entire Wholly Babble. It is also one of the most Judeocentric, and one of the most clearly uninspired.

Immediately after entering the text we see the authors of the OT carrying on one of their central themes: Yahweh must have a human representative on Earth. If the Hebrew God is simply in the sky, it's just not the same. If He remains invisible, with no nexus to human affairs, the Hebrews cannot impose his and their will upon other peoples. He must have mortal emissaries.

Another theme obvious in Joshua is that the Law is still the boss. Joshua is commanded to revere it and always follow it to the letter, just as Moses had been. Still, at the sixth book into the Babble, the Law is more important than people.

Chapter 2

In verse 24, the writer's slant is unequivocal. His huge Hebrew ego sets the tone for the remainder of the book of Josh: "Everyone will faint before the Lord. Everyone will lie down and die because of us. We kick ass!"

Built upon such an imperious attitude, all the events of the succeeding 22 chaps fall into place. Joshua's hordes of holy Hebrews will slaughter thousands of human beings, without one single solitary Hebrew casualty, and the author will make all the vanquished look like imbeciles without a clue on how to defend themselves or how to even think about fighting back.

Chapter 3

As in the Pentateuch, we see the dichotomy of the priests and the people. The demarcation is invisible or subtle without a priori knowledge of how the priesthood dominates the backward society, which knowledge is supplied you in other areas of this website. The priest and peon strata also indicate an early class consciousness which would influence that of the West and would have given Karl Marx plenty to write about.

The separation of priest and ordinary "citizen" in Joshua's fucked-up society is a clear indication of the priestly hand on the pen which wrote this sick book.

In verse 10, we see the writer using an omniscient viewpoint - not a viewpoint of omniscience, because the writer was anything but inspired, but a viewpoint differing from the first person mode and the normal third person perspective.

The writer makes a promise: Josh's holy hordes will massacre seven peoples. After this rampage is over and the ground is still soaking up the blood, the writer will simply fill in the blanks to fulfill the promise of the verse, one people at a time.

Verses 13-17 are simply a repeat of the parting of the Red Sea. Clearly a mythological theme.

Chapter 4

Verse 13: Now hold on a sec! The holy Bible - the words of a perfect, infinitely intelligent, omniscient God, uses the word "about"? No fucking way! An infallible text would not use terms of approximation. So, the safe conclusion is that this is not an infallible text.

Why would a flawless, faultless God, breathing inspiration into the writer of Joshua, have to estimate the number of men preparing for war? Answer: He wouldn't. This is one of many aspects of Joshua, and the Bible at large, which prove it is not inspired or holy. Not even close.

Chapter 5

Verses 1-8: I'm a Bible expert, not a medical expert, but I have to ask: How can you circumcise a person twice? And I'm confused. Verse 8 says "All the people" were circumcised. Does that include the females? Since the patriarch-heavy Old Testament regards women as property and not people, probably not.

Chapter 6

Verse 1: Ahhhh, how convenient for Joshua and his fellow savages that Jericho was sealed, allowing noone to get out before the coming mass-a-cree. Bill Clinton and Janet Reno must have taken notes on this one before killing all the people in the Koresh-Waco-Branch Davidian compound. Those victims couldn't get out either.

Verse 4: There's that magic number again! That number seven. That holy number. That favourite number of God. Possibly symbolic, probably representative of a hidden meaning. Clearly mythological. Maybe figurative. Definitely unhistorical.

Verse 19: I thought God already owned the universe. I thought He was already the CEO. He'd created the cosmos, so wasn't it all His? Why would He need to pilfer gold and silver from a vanquished city? He wouldn't. This was the writer's excuse for the pillaging and plundering, and thievery, committed by the special ones - the priests. He was showing that they could do anything they wanted in the name of Yahweh, and for his sake. Amen, and amen.

Verse 24: Like so many other verses in the Babble, the meaning of this verse is disguised. What it really means is: Joshua and his chosen hitmen burn Jericho to the ground, then put all the war booty into the treasury of the Lord, which is really the storehouse of pirate's treasure reserved for the enjoyment and use of the power elite - those wealthmongers/powermongers known as the priesthood.

The entirety of this goofy chapter reminds me of the famous song named after it. Just about every docile little Protestant Sunday school student has been made to sing it. "Joshua Fought The Battle Of Jericho." But the title confuses me. I see absolutely no sign of a battle. The citizens of Jericho might as well not even be there. They are totally passive. They show no sign of a struggle and don't offer any hair's-width of resistance whatsoever. Calling this episode "the battle of Jericho" is just plain inane. Just like describing the one-sided rampage by U.S. forces through Southeast Asia as "the Vietnam War."

Chapter 7

Verse 10: "Get up off your ass, Joshua. Be a man. Don't be such a sniveling coward. You haven't killed enough humans yet. No time to rest. Jump up and get busy."

Verse 11: This must be where the slang term "stuff," meaning material possessions, originated. "Hey, have you seen my stuff?" Or "I have too much stuff now. I need to put some of it in storage." Or "I need to buy a bigger house to have room for all my stuff." See George Carlin.

Verses 24-26: Theologians and any other people who say Yahweh is a just god haven't read these verses very closely, that's for sure. The God of the Bible is anything but just! Nothing could be more unfair than killing a man's children and animals because of his transgression. Furthermore, to kill a man because he stole a few pieces of war booty is extremely cruel.

But think about it for a minute. The war booty - "the treasury of the Lord," was for the treasurers! It was for the use of the priests (the power structure), and to be under their control, so when a mere civilian, a small fry, stole some of it, the punishment was severe. Stone the bastard, then whether he's already dead or still barely breathing, burn him! The power of the priests must be maintained no matter what. No matter what you do, don't fuck with the priesthood.

Chapter 8

Clearly the book of Joshua is written from an omniscient vantage point. We see no first person sentences. We see only third person writing, but the author knows everything that happens to everyone involved on both sides, in the manner in which most novels are written.

The author of Joshua wrote with an extreme slant: a pro-Hebrew bias. (I wonder if it's maybe because he was Hebrew). His slant would make American propagandists proud.

Notice how throughout the entire book, including the eighth chapter, the writer endows the holy hordes with the quality of invincibility, and their enemies with utter stupidity and total lack of strategic acumen. As is the case throughout the OT, the victims of Yahweh's legions simply roll over and make way for the sword, just letting the advancing armies crush them with little or no response.

For example, in chapter 8, verses 16 and 17, the people of Ai (Aites?) - all the people of Ai, fall for Joshua's fake-ambush ploy. Every single one of 'em. Every last inhabitant of the city leaves the city to chase Joshua's men. How convenient for Joshua. Would this ever happen in real life?

Now look at verses 21 and 22. Didn't the soldiers and civilians of Ai have any swords or other weapons of self-defense? The dolts allow Josh's swarm to kill all of them! And the author lists no casualties on the Hebrew side. Clearly not real history. Clearly a Judeocentric fairy tale. Clearly like most of the Babble.

In verse 25, we see yet another pattern common throughout Joshua which belies omniscience and divinity. The number of Aites murdered is exactly 12,000, unless the author forgot to insert the word "about" or unless it was removed during translation. A sum of 12,000 victims is exceedingly implausible. How often does anything happen in round numbers, such as a grocery purchase or the death toll from a tornado or the attendance at Wrigley Field? The 12,000 is quite evidently an approximation, not a precise figure.

In verse 12, the author does use the word "about." But this belies omniscience even more. Any author writing with the "mind of God," with God's knowledge and perspicacity, would know precisely how many men Joshua chose to be ambushers, and would not write "about five thousand men."

As God of everything, including this planet and its geopolitical affairs, God, automatically and inherently wise, would choose from several options when making any significant decision. Letting thousands of humans be born just so they can be slaughtered by another sect of humans to make the favoured sect of humans look good is the worst of all possible options in the scenario we're considering. What about the option of peace and brotherhood, and absence of races? Why not the option of the Israelites and non-Israelites having a picnic and playing horseshoes together?

Chapter 10

The brutal pillaging and plundering of that great man of God: Joshua, continues relentlessly in this chap.

Something very interesting happens in verse 11. Instead of letting Josh and his sacred soldiers perform all the blood-letting, Yahweh Himself gets involved, by killing the inhabitants of Azekah with a rain of hailstones.

Isn't it amazing that not one fucking hailstone bonks a Hebrew on the head but quite skillfully nails only Azekans? I for one find that amazing; I don't know about you. These must have been the heat-seeking-missile type of hailstones.

We don't know if these were golf ball-size hailstones, or baseball-size or softball-size, or if they were forecast on the 6 o'clock weather report. Hell, for the miraculous purposes of the Bible, they were probably basketball-sized!

And the question arises: Why would the God of the universe need to kill people with hailstones? Shouldn't He be able to utilize the sheer force of His almighty will, instead of using a weapon of any type?

Plenty of commentary has already been written on verses 12-14. The observers who have labeled this passage as pure fiction had the correct perspective. The ones who have tried to explain it scientifically have made a mistake. To say it really happened but not exactly the way the Bible says, but that some other explanation exists for the sun appearing to stand still, doesn't work. The passage is entirely fictional. Trying to explain "Joshua's long day" as a rare astronomical event is fruitless.

Verses 28-29: In only 14 verses, ending with these two, Josh and his destroyers murder an imprecise number of human beings in seven different regions (there's that magic fucking number again!) And most importantly, they do it all for the glory of God. Amen, and amen.

Chapter 11

Nothing new here. Just more carnage by the insatiable Yahweh.

In verse 8, we see a familiar phrase: "And the Lord delivered them into the hand of Israel..." What exactly does this mean? Does it mean God used mind control, that He turned all his victims into hapless zombies and made them to march docilely into the arms of the waiting Hebrew conquerors? Another obvious (well, obvious to a non-Bible-believer and ex-Christian) question is: Why did He create these people in the first place, if His perfect will included only death and pain for them? Possibly because the Sadist In the Sky luxuriates in death and pain?

In a world made by God for the Hebrews, why does anyone exist but a Hebrew? Why not have created just Hebrews only? Huh? I'm confused again...

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Beginning with Jericho in chapter 6 and ending with the Anakims in chapter 11, Joshua's thugs decimate and level throughout the entire region, with no casualties for the good guys listed in any verse, and no struggle of any kind ever included for Joshua's crusaders. Nothing could be more unrealistic.

Finally in 11:23, the bloodshed is over. "And the Lord rested from war." At this point, the demographics of the Middle East are radically different. Seven nations which had the misfortune of being non-Hebrew have been rendered servile. Hardly any non-Heeb breathes anywhere for hundreds of miles around. If the author of Joshua had possessed any knowledge of the world around him, he would have had the vanquishers continue slaughtering beyond the tiny world of the Bible, by moving them into China, Japan, North America, South America, Australia, Asia, etc., etc.. But he was fucking ignorant of what was out there, so he didn't expand the imperialist ventures. If he'd had knowledge of the rest of the world, he would have added several more chapters so Joshua's armies could kill Yahweh opposers throughout the globe.

Joshua's Heebs were not quite as ambitious as later imperialist entities like the Roman Empire and the United States.

This narrow scope is clearly nationalistic, and follows through with the theme that Yahweh is a national deity.

Anyone who by now can't see that the Bible is a book about primitive people, by primitive people, and for primitive people, with a very constricted worldview confined to the Middle East, just isn't thinking, or, like a Christian, refuses to think.

And after all the conquering accomplished by Joshua, and all the passive victims eliminated, why doesn't the Bible just end right here? No opposition to YahwehGod remains.

The answer is: Not yet, for a pretty obvious reason. Look at the clue in verse 19. From point A of its inception, the Hebrew sect had harbored a persecution complex (which lingers to this day and burdens the rest of humanity). It perceives, as it always has, that everyone outside of the Jewish religion is its enemy. It overcompensates for this complex by despising and/or destroying all its neighbors in books like Joshua without a struggle. And it still shows its insecurity by oppressing Palestinians in 2003.

Chapter 12

Merely a summary of Yahweh's bloody rampage. He has his inspired author boast about His accomplishments and reminds people of his greatness and holiness and awesomeness by listing all the kings and citizens liquidated in the previous chapters.

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After reading this reprehensible book I can't help but think about something. The Bible calls the Devil the destroyer. Yet I never see him listed in Joshua as a soldier in the conquering armies.