Another Role For the Multi-faceted, Multi-tasking BibleGod:
The Great ObGyn In the Sky

By the time of the events of I Samuel 1, verses 5 through 11, Yahweh has come a long way, baby. Once a lowly storm god among other Hebrew gods, He is now the Great ObGyn In the Sky! - a veritable expert on women's matters...

Preparation H - Make That Preparation E, Needed Urgently!

We read I Samuel 5:9-12 and observe the god of hemorrhoids striking again!

The Philistines who are lucky enough to be slaughtered in this passage are spared the lingering torment of hemorrhoids. Yahweh afflicts the surviving Philistines, however with a case of hemorrhoids so irritating, so evil, that Yahweh can hear their wails of agony all the way up in Heaven. Not even Preparation H would have helped - actually, Preparation E, since the Bible calls hemorrhoids "emerods." I'm sure the Heartless Bastard In the Sky laughed an evil laugh when he heard their moans and groans. I'm sure the Sadistic Beast In the Sky found joyous glee in their anguish.

I Samuel 6:1-5

Would George Bush do this? Would anyone respect him as a leader if he did?

I Samuel 11:11-12

If God commanded and promised adultery - forced adultery, as a punishment, He obviously implicitly approved of it as well - at least temporarily. This is inexorable logic...

The Great Foreskin Hunt: A Waste of Human Lives

The book of I Samuel never fails to fascinate. It has such a variety of ways in which Yahweh and his followers inflict pain and torture upon human beings.

Herein the great and legendary follower of God - David, becomes even more like God. He's a man after God's own heart. If you had to guess what was inside the covers of the Bible, having never read any of it or been told about it, you'd never guess what happens in this chapter - the 18th of First Sam.

David goes on a great foreskin hunt! In the area of western Oklahoma where I grew up, people used to go down to the river and pick mushrooms. But David goes on a different kind of harvest. He goes on a circumcisional rampage, an excursion of butchery, a penis-chopping painfest. All done just so he can fuck the king's daughter.

I thought human life is sacred to God. That's what Fundamentalists and pro-lifers tell us. They read the Bible and honor its alleged legacy of valuing human life. Their attitude and ignorance are laughable in the light of chapters like I Samuel 18. BibleGod lets David commit a huge waste of human life - killing men just so he can take their foreskins home in a gunny sack. It reminds me of the way people kill bears and foxes just for their fur, wasting the rest of the carcass.

What's most curious about verses 25-27 is not that that wonderful man of God David slaughters 200 Philistines. We know from reading the other escapades of David his fondness and thirst for killing people, and his willingness to do anything to consummate his burning lust (remember the tale of Uriah and Bathsheba?).

But what is puzzling is that David slays 200 Philistines but ends up with only 100 foreskins! What are we to conclude - that each Philistine had only half a penis or that exactly 100 of the 200 killed men had no penis at all? Or perhaps that 50 of the Philistines were so well-endowed to be blessed with a double penis or boast a pecker large enough to have two foreskins?! (The latter idea might be plausible, because, remember, these Philistines were apparently big dudes since they produced the giant Goliath). Or that David and his helpers simply left half of the dead Philistines uncircumcised and their foreskins intact? Or maybe that David killed an extra hundred men just for the hell of it? The last explanation makes the most sense, seeing that David was continually bloodthirsty like the God he worshiped...

Christians, you figure it out. You're the ones with the Holy Spirit gift of discernment, so explain all this to me...

II Samuel