II Samuel 6

Sometimes you just have to wonder why certain passages ever made it to the Bible. How could the Catholic roundtable which gave us the Bible and decided which books to include and which to strike from the text as apocryphal have included the sixth chapter of II Samuel? The chapter is thoroughly asinine, and it doesn't inspire any sensations of holiness at all. In fact, it's just downright silly.

In verses 6 and 7, a dude named Uzzah tries to save the ark of Yahweh from disruption by unruly oxen. How many oxen were involved in colliding with the cart or upsetting it with the vibrations from their thundering hooves we'll never know, but that doesn't matter.

What matters is that Uzzah tries to do a good deed, tries to save the ark (not Noah's Ark - that's a lot earlier in the Bible, in Genesis), but he fucks up and God kills him for it.

We read that it isn't poor Uzzah's fault that he drave the cart errantly, but the oxen's fault. However, God kills Uzzah, not the beasts of burden. Isn't it nice that Yahweh has more mercy upon animals than upon human beings?

Evidently the reason God slays Uzzah is that Uzzah touches the ark, and in doing so defiles it. The ark is now contaminated by filthy sinful human hands. It had just been set upon a new cart (see verse 3), but Uzzah fucks everything up. What was wrong with the old cart and why the ark deliverers needed a new cart we aren't told.

God could have slain Uzzah for having such an ugly-ass name, but that also would not have been Uzzah's fault, but his parents'.

Uzzah and his brother Ahio had been chosen to drive the new cart. When they drave it, they were probably nervous and maybe they steered it too close to the oxen.

Christian Theology 101 teaches that God is unchangeable, but here He is changed by emotion, moved to action in a very human way. He's plain pissed off at 'ol Uzzah. Man, when God is having one of his mood swings, humans better grab their gonads and watch out!

In verse 8, David is pissed at God for smiting Uzzah, so the king names the place whereupon the ark entourage was standing after him. But alas, Uzzah is dead so he doesn't know he's honored in such a way. He'll never be able to brag to his buddies that King David named Perez-Uzzah after him. But then again, if he hadn't been smitten by God, 'ol Uz never would've had any place named after him. He gained fame and a place in the Bible at the hand of God.

Since God has the power of life and death, why didn't He just bring Uzzah back to life and apologize to him instead of letting David name a place after him?

This is starting to sound like a soap opera. In verses 14 through 16, it gets really nice and juicy.

Michal espies her man acting silly. She catches him "leaping and dancing before the Lord" in "a linen ephod." Being frivolous and squirrely is not a good thing to do when you're an ancient Hebrew. You have to take life seriously at all times since you have a very serious God watching you at every moment. I mean, He keeps one eye on the sparrow and with the other He counts every single pubic hair covering your member and scrotum. And He can see through ephods - even linen ones, so it doesn't do any good to try to hide your maleness from God. A G-string or thong wouldn't work either, so don't even think about it.

Nowadays, when it comes to their men, wives and girlfriends know all and see all. Bible chicks were apparently blessed with the same gift of omniscience.

In verse 20, Michal confronts her man when he gets home. Without taking a breath, she nails him as soon as he walks in the door. "IknowyouweredancingaroundalmostbuttnakedIsawyouasshole!" Do we detect a bit of sarcasm? Michal also gets sassy with David when she says "How glorious was the king of Israel today, who uncovereth himself today..."

In v. 21, David responds to Michal that he can "play before the Lord" if he wants to because the Lord has chosen him to be ruler of Israel. In verse 22 he responds to Michal's impetuosity by promising to be carnal with all the maidservants who saw him frolicking in his ephod.

"Shut up you bitch! I was doing it for God, okay?! He loves it when I dance around like an asinine jackass! If you don't like it, that's too bad for you you sorry whore! I was doing it for the glory of Yahweh! I'm sick of your insolence, Bitch. Just for that I'll be even worse. I'll let all the women in the camp fuck my brains out! Woo-hoo!, Bring in the maidservants!!"

Once again, the women of the Bible are trounced by God and his men. Patriarchy reigns supreme once more. The rights of women are trampled yet again. Instead of punishing David, the all-wise Yahweh punishes Michal by cursing her with a barren womb.

We can get one consolation from this embarrassing chapter of the Bible, however. At least God has evolved, albeit in a small way. He's gone from accepting animal offerings to accepting dance offerings. At least there's no bloodshed or suffering of animals this way.

But why did God, in his infinite intelligence and foresight of the future, let oxen in the vicinity of the cart to begin with?

Uzzah did his best when he drave the new cart, but God kicked his ass anyway. Oh well, the important thing is that this event actually never happened so Uzzah wasn't really smitten and didn't feel any pain.

Yahweh had to kill someone. He hadn't killed anyone for a few verses, so He was overdue for a smiting.

II Samuel 12

Verses 11-12:

You'd never think the God of the entire universe would be concerned with lowly human genitalia, but we see here that He is a sex fiend...The god of voyeurism and the god of humiliation...

Verses 15-18:

Direct murder of a child by God. No herculean efforts of twisting and turning this passage's meaning will work. The meaning is crystal clear. Infanticide pure and simple. Fuck interpretation. Save your PFUIs*.

I wonder if Christians think about this passage when they have their babies christened in front of the congregation during a church service...

Verses 29-31:

Was the great David, one of the Founding Fathers of Judaism, full of bloodlust? We see how he enjoyed using different methods of execution to extinguish his enemies. The modern Israelis are not as creative as David. All they do to exterminate Palestinians is use tanks and guns and missiles. They don't have as much of a zeal for variety as their forefather David did...

*Possible Fucked-Up Interpretations

II Samuel 24

How would you feel if God told you to do something then killed seventy thousand innocent men for doing it? Wouldn't you feel lousy?

The exact same story is retold in 1 Chronicles 21, but in that version it's Satan that persuades David to take the census whereas in Second Sam God is the persuader. This is one of many thousands of examples of contradictions in the word of God which proves it is not the word of God. Both these versions of the census-taking story are totally fucked. God commands a man to do something and allows him to do it, then gets pissed off because it is done and extinguishes 70,000 humans! I'm so glad I no longer worship this God.

I Samuel