Evil Bastards With Wings

"In my little town, I grew up believing, that God watches over us all..."

Oh wait, that's Paul Simon. Sorry about that.

In my little town, and in my little church, I grew up believing that God watches over us all, that the Bible is a good book, that God is nice that God is good, but now...

...I read halfway through the Psalms, in chapter 78, that God uses evil angels. I'm really confused now.

What's the deal? God sends evil angels to do slaughter on Earth. Where do these angels come from? Are they sitting around the angels' lounge, watching the tube and smoking stogies, waiting for their next assignment?

Evil angels who art in Heaven who from time to time fly down to Earth on missions of destruction - you can't be serious! I grew up being told by everybody that God loves everybody, that He would never hurt a little child or let a little child get hurt, that the good angels fly around in Heaven singing Hallelujah and praising God forever while the bad boys are in Hell with the Devil.

I've always heard that evil angels are also known as demons...And my preacher always preached that Hell is prepared for the Devil and his angels, and I've even read that in the Bible myself.

So Psalms 78:49-51 can't really be in the Bible. It must be some mean trick pulled by a bunch of bitter atheists or something...

But wait a fucking second...I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but I just read it again. Yeah, it's in there: evil fucking angels sent on mercenary search-and-destroy missions by God! It wasn't an illusion after all.

Did these angels actually live in Heaven? Or did Gawd just borrow them for awhile? Did He call up the Devil and say "Hey Dev, I need a fave. Send your baddest bastards up here for a short season. I need to kick the Pharaoh's ass. He won't let my people go."

It must have been like contract labor. The Devil leased them out to God, I bet, so God could give them instructions on how to descend upon Earth. The behaloed mercenaries then dropped upon Earth and murdered Egypt's firstborn. That had to include innocent little babies and kids, despite what my Sunday school teacher told me about God being good. And we know it also included firstborn animals (what the hell did they do to piss off God?) becauz God's word says so in the Book of Exodus in another passage on the Passover. I never would have believed if I hadn't read these Passover recollection verses in Psalms 78. Never woulda thunk it if the Bible hadn't said it first...

A long fucking time before Psalms 78 was penned, Lucifer, also an angel, had become rebellious and told God to fuck off so God kicked his ass out of Heaven, but now God was doing business with him? Give me a fuckin' break. Surely that ain't the way it happened. These angels of evil must have been permanent residents of Heaven, instead of contracted killers. But fuck, that can't be true either, becauz Gawd is good - my preacher and my grandma told me so...

The verses plainly say these befeathered ass-kickers slew all over Egypt (altho, curiously, they never did a damn thing to Pharaoh, who was responsible for the children of Israel's bondage), but I wonder if they still live in Heaven now and if maybe they've been saved and converted into good angels after repenting from their careers as sadists with haloes...

Or have they since moved out, like maybe to Hell?

Or might they be in some intermediate domain, which the Bible never mentions? When we all get to Heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be...We'll know the answers to all these nagging mysteries...

The angels in question must hang around in limbo or some unknown dimension, because evil angels can't live in Heaven - they'd be unwilling to sing hallelujahs to God Almighty and encircle his throne continually, and He wouldn't put up with their non-allegiance.

So they're out there somewhere, inhabiting the interdimensional habitat between dark matter and black holes, waiting for Yahweh or Satan to give them work...yeah, that's it! They're like temp workers who work when they can find work and Heaven and Hell are their temporary agencies.

Yahweh says "So be here at 5:30 in the morning and I'll see if I can find something for you." Then they show up, wait around the lobby for an hour or so, drink coffee and eat pastries, then Yahweh's receptionist comes out and says "Sorry, evil bastard mercenary renegade fucking angels of fortune, if you answered the ad for rape and pillage and plunder on Planet Earth, we're sorry but those positions have been filled. YahwehGod has decided to do the slaughtering Himself, directly, without a middle man. Please check in with us once a week - just call, you don't have to come to the office, but if you don't call at least once a week we'll assume you're no longer interested in employment with us and that you've found another job. However, we'll have plenty of assignments for you soon, when the Great Tribulation comes."

Then the maverick angels float back into limbo.

The bottom line of Psalms 78:49-51 is: Any God who employs evil angels for missions of murder, whether or not those angels live in Heaven and are temporarily accessing evil or are permanently evil, is an evil God.

Moreover, we must ponder the logical corollary to verse 49. Would the Devil ever employ good angels? Think about that one.

All Christians reading this, it's about time you started thinking and stopped believing with blind faith. It's about time you started studying your Book and becoming very familiar with it, and facing up to verses like these three. It's about time you stopped hurling FUIs (fucked-up interps) at overtly clear passages like Psalms 78:49-51.