Dead End Gene Pool

"Now on the seventh day after the waters of the flood receded, Noah did part his wife's shores, and Noah did enter therein. Then Noah's wife, who was nameless, did partake of Noah's flesh. His loins pressed upon her; his rod and his staff they did comfort her. And darkness was upon Noah's member. The warmth and the wetness, yea, they did envelop him.

Thereupon, a short season after entering his wife's womb, Noah's member, being of 600 years upon the face of the earth, did tighten, whereby it did spew forth a few droplets of maleness. The miraculous seed, delivered by the hand of the Lord, ensured Noah would beget another son.

Yea, Yahweh did cause the seed to make the wife of Noah with child. And moreover she, being nameless yet the wife of a man of God, was of four hundred two score and nine years. Through the blessing of God did she bare Noah a fourth son seven days and nine months after the waters receded from above the earth.

So it came to pass that the human race of God, through his chosen family of Noah, did perpetuate.

Not long thereafter, whence Noah, who was a faithful man of the Lord, withdrew his soft maleness from out of his wife, whenceupon it was dripping with seed. Yea, after seventeen minutes had passed, Yahweh-God blest Noah with yet another erectification.

And Noah, being drunk with wine and driven with lust, went in unto the wife of his son Ham. And his son Ham's wife was nameless.

Thereafter, within the eighth hour of groping her, who was much younger than he, and of suckling her teats, he did thereby get heat. Whereby, Noah didst fuck her.

And Noah didst fuck his son Ham's wife. And Noah's son Ham fucked his wife. And Ham didst fuck his mother, whereupon a new word for the race of man: "motherfucker", was invented, and used in the conversation of men, for many centuries thereafter. Thus saith the Lord.

And, yea, Noah's son Shem didst also fuck his mother, who was also his father Noah's wife, as Ham had done.

Then, in about the third hour of the seventh day after the waters of the great downpour had drawn down into the earth, Noah's son Japheth, who was yet Noah's son, and Ham's brother, and the son of his mother who was yet Noah's nameless wife, didst go in unto Ham's wife, who was yet Japheth's sister-in-law under Yahweh's holy law, and he didst fuck her.

Moreover, Noah didst fucketh his daughter-in-law who was the wife and servant of his son Shem. Then Shem didth fuck his mother. And Noah's son Japheth did thereupon fuck his brother Shem's wife.

And for nine days they fucked like rabbits.

And as they were finished fucking each other in every male and female coupling which was possible under the eyes of heaven, they were commanded of God to fuck still other life which was upon the earth, and which had been upon the ark.

And they fuckest the creatures which dwelt in the forest. And they fucked the guinea, whom the Lord God had made. Yea, they did fuck the porcupine, and they didst dwell in the beaver, who was of the water and of the land that God had made.

Moreover they did fuck they of cloven hoof. They did fuck the she-goats from the land of Nod. By the hand of Nimrod did they enter the great hares of the meadow. Moreover, the offspring of Noah, and Noah's wife, and Noah's offspring's wives, did give fuck and receive fuck from all fuckable living creatures which had been upon the ark and which now dwelt upon the dry ground.

Noah, being of about six hundred years upon God's earth, did fucketh the weasel, the ass, and the weasel's ass.

Verily, blest of God, they didst go on fucking with all manner of beast and fowl for nine days. They did fuck when the Sun's going down was nigh. They did fuck under the shining of the lesser light called the Moon, as Yahweh-God did supply them strength and sustenance, and mightily did fortify them to continue inhabiting the animal kingdom.

In the last day of the nine days in which God blessed them with lust, they didst copulate with a variety of beasts upon God's earth, which he had cursed with forty days and forty nights of water pouring down upon the earth.

When the end of the copulation was nigh, they fucked the maned beast, the tigress, the hound, the bush-dwelling ostrich, the ground-dwelling tortoise, and yea, all manner of fowl and creature upon the earth and above the earth. They did yet fuck all that was deemed fuckable within the earth, yea, the mole and the gopher. All slithering beasts they did penetrate with their penile flesh, and all members of male beasts did the women of Noah receive. All slithering beasts and four-legged beasts did they enter upon and fuck. Every steed and every beast of strong stature didst they mount.

The cattle of the field knew their coming; all mammals upon the earth were wary of their approach.

And as the rising of the morning star was nigh, they did go in unto all that creepeth upon the face of the earth, and all that crawleth upon the ground of the earth which God had made. With one another, and with all which were not of the race of man, were they joined. Of anything that breatheth the breath of life, they were twain.

Upon the command and blessing of Yahweh, the many days of copulating proved fruitful. New men were borne by miracle of God, notwithstanding Noah and his family having been paired with those who were not of the race of men. Yea, new men were thereafter born to inhabit the earth, which God would never again destroy by deluge of floodwaters, that He keep His promise..

Thereby didst they seed God's green universe."...

...Genesis 9. The Deluge is over. The ground is dry. Only eight people remain on an entire planet. All the flood victims are dead so they can't reproduce. The gene pool resides in the bodies of Noah, his wife, his sons, and his daughters-in-law.

One or more permutations in this gene pool can make babies. But the problem is the members of the gene pool are all related to each other. Ancestry is at a dead-end street. Therefore, incest is the only hope for man. Unless...God intervenes.

How will the human race continue? Noah is 600; his fucking days are over. Noah's old lady is surely of comparable age, and surely her teats are dry, her uterus and ovaries spent by now. The only apparent hope is in the younger survivors.

On the other hand, this is a supernatural, and yea, almighty, sovereign God we're talkin' about here. Therefore we must consider ordinary and extraordinary scenarios. Instead of trusting a cursory reading of Genesis, it would help to explore the esoteric. We know from reading the subsequent chapters of the Bible that the human race did continue. Not only did it continue, but it rose in stature to maim the Earth and pollute its fields and waters. But, that's another subject and I tangentize.

The bottom line is the victims of Yahweh were replaced and the Earth repeopled. To effect this continuation of mankind, one or more of the following may have happened:

A. God gave Noah more virility than any normal 600-year-old man would possess and told him to fuck all three of his daughters-in-law, which may have pissed off his sons but created three more babies to continue the race. Noah gladly complied with his Heavenly Father's wishes, thinking he'd never again get a chance for some pussy. Noah willingly followed God's orders, obediently pumping his seething spermatazoa into the much younger babes. Of course, God made sure the fucks weren't fruitless and that the women's wombs were indeed impregnated.

B. All three sons - Shem, Ham and Japheth - fucked their wives and inseminated them, creating three new babies which were born 9 months later.

C. God miraculously fertilized Mrs. Noah's womb one more time, not to mention reversing her menopause. He likewise re-energized 'ol Noah's cock and 'nads. Otherwise the old dude could never get hard enough for one final, 600-year-old fuck. Mrs. Noah (or Miss? - the Bible never mentions their act of wedlock) then popped out a little brother or sister for Shem, Ham and Japheth.

D. Shem, Ham and Japheth and their wives had an orgy, swapping partners for the sake of every possible combination to ensure that at least one of the pairings-off would unite sperm and egg.

One of these, or something similar, came to pass, otherwise Noah, Mrs. Noah, their three sons, and their three sons' wives died of old age and the human race ended. But we're reading this right now so we know God somehow intervened.

Scenario C. isn't too outrageous, because later in Genesis God galvanized the wife of Abraham's womb and gave her personal moisture, and she popped out another Child of Israel. Yes, she was only one hundred at the time, much younger than Noah's wife probably was, but divine intervention overrides age. God could make a three-million-year-old woman give birth if He wanted to. But the glaring problem with A, B, C and D is that still only one family tree existed on the whole planet after the Flood. Only one had existed before the Flood as well, as we will soon analyze, but post-Flood the lack of ribonucleic diversity in the human population was more serious.

Just for fun, let's revert to the good 'ol days before the Great Deluge, when everyone was prosperous and happy and didn't have to worry about God's wrath. The problem of the continuance of Man is insoluble if we absorb the words of Genesis prima facie. Pre-Flood and post-Flood, God was faced with a family tree which had no branches. He had to do something above and beyond the superficial page. He had to think outside the box. Therefore, one of these must have transpired:

1. God repopulated the Earth by using asexual reproduction. He acted in the way He had spontaneously generated Adam from the dust of the ground in one of the overlapping Creation myths of Genesis. He ended up doing the same thing He'd done when He'd spontaneously generated Eve from one of Adam's ribs in one of the same overlapping tales, but not both. Adam no longer had the burden of finding a new woman from another part of the globe to lay with, whether or not he gave a fuck about the future of the human race, and I doubt that he did. Yahweh-God simply sparked new men and women into existence as if they were the first, instead of via the usual fun way we enjoy now.

2. Extraterrestrials much like us bipeds seeded Earth with their own contributions, which may have been human-producing spores or fully developed hominids when they were dropped onto the planet, hominids which may or may not have then fucked Earthlings to make more people, even if such people were pseudo-human half-Terrans/half-ETs and not pure children of Yahweh...

3. Adam and Eve found some strange from a region near but outside the Garden's gates. This is less science-fictional than 1. and 2. and actually jibes with Genesis' cryptically citing "other" people who presumably were not of Adam and Eve's consanguinity.

If any of the above occurred, for some reason all-wise God chose to emit it from Holy Writ, despite the allusion to foreign cock and pussy for Adam and his woman in scenario 3. Well, I guess that's okay, because God doesn't have to tell us everything. He's been around for a long time so He surely has some secrets to keep.

Ancestry by incest is the alternative to thinking deeper than the pages of Genesis. Post-Flood, only two generations inhabited the entire fuckin' planet. If Noe were to reproduce again with his old lady, he simply would add to his own lineage and nothing would be solved. No divergence of DNA would occur. If he were to get horny and hump one or all of his daughters-in-law, but the dilemma of one line of descent upon Earth would still be unresolved. If Noah's children were to reproduce a third generation, doing so would still do nothing to solve the dead-end-ness of the common stock by accomplishing separate families. Once of sexual age, the third generation's members would at some point need to take a roll in the haystack with members of the first or second, but the family tree would still be a stump. Moreover, one of the third generation would absolutely have to be a male and one would have to be a female, or the human race would die (without our intervening scenarios).

Bible-believers have no choice but to give our scenarios a fighting chance. Otherwise, how will they explain how the third generation of humans on this planet was produced? Adam and Eve were the first two people, and conveniently they possessed opposing yet cooperative types of genitalia. Adam and Eve fucked (each other). The first time they fucked (we assume), Cain was born. The second time Adam inserted himself into Eve, Abel was the outcome. But complications arose. Instead of living peacefully, the Adamic clan began to live a soap-operatic existence. One afternoon Cain and Abel were playing Cowboys-and-Indians. Cain got jealous of his little brother. Cain killed Abel...

...And then...Cain ran away from home. He soon "dwelt in the land of Nod, to the east of Eden." Where the fuck did this thunderbolt come from? The only place names we've read about so far in the Bible are Eden and a few regions adjacent to it, and a few rivers that ran through them. Now all of a sudden God hits us with "Nod." Whatthefuckever.

Apparently Cain flew the coop because his hormones were raging and he was looking for some strange. Right after the boy ran away, we read: "Cain knew his wife." His wife? The only chick the Bible's mentioned so far is Eve. And now, all of a fucking sudden, Genesis drops another H-bomb by mentioning a mysterious place apart from the Garden.

What? Cain's wife? She wasn't from Eden, so where the fuck did she come from?! She wasn't Adam's daughter, so whose was she? Man, the Bible is really getting to be confusing at this point. The writers of Genesis fucked up somewhere along the way. Huh, come to think of it, Adam and Eve did have a third son later, and named him Seth. Not long after Cain knew his wife, Seth knew his...But again, where in the hell did she come from?! Will somebody please explain this to me?!

As it stands, a reading of Genesis suggests that God implicitly approves of incest. It also suggests He wasn't thinking straight and doesn't have much imagination. A smarter God would have made two separate sets of humans in different areas of the sphere then somehow caused them to meet and fall in love or fall in lust then create new persons. Better yet, He would have created two separate un-related pairs of male and female, one of which would bear a male child and the other a female child, then He would have made absolutely fucking sure, through his divine omnipotence, that, once pubescent, those two children would end up fucking each other.

I've always heard you shouldn't have a baby with someone you're related to. I've been told that such a poor little baby might be fucked-up, as in retarded and deformed. Hmmm, I guess I was wrong, because BibleGod implies this is what happened in Genesis more than once.

In God's post-diluvian world, one major goal was to keep the human race going. The only way to do that was by fucking. That is, without the aforementioned outside-the-box scenarios...

And, no matter who fucked who, only one clan of humans walked on the planet. So Ham and Mrs. Ham could fuck and have a baby, but then what?

There was absolutely no way out of this circle of incest unless a separate clan of humans met up with Noah's clan for some sweaty genital adventures.

I have another, tangential, yet related, question. Where did all the varying races on the planet originate? The Bible never mentions that either. Hmmm, I guess they must've evolved. Bible scholars have suggested that Ham was black. So that cryptically explains the biogenesis of the black race, if it's true. But it doesn't explain Asians and Indians and Eskimos.

Without going outside the lines, we're faced with being members of a race created by original incest, then another act of incest, then yet another, followed by a legacy of endless incest. Assuming the superficial Genesis story is true, we're faced with realizing we're all products of incest. Maybe that's why we're so fucked-up as a species. And, hmmmm, I just thought of something else, maybe that's why we still enjoy killing each other so often. Abel was having fun digging up earthworms and planting pomegranate seeds in the Garden of Eden's untainted soil until Cain slew his ass. We were having fun eating baby food and burping on our bibs until we grew up to find out other humans can be mean to us, inciting us to follow Cain's lead and retaliate.

Bill Cosby hilariously hinted at how fucked-up Genesis is. In a routine from the 80s, he said with his classic inflection: "There's four people on the planet. Adam and Eve, and Cain and Abel..." Then he talked awhile on where everyone else came from after that, reveling in the confusion the book of Genesis spawns.

Voltaire nailed it even better. "Dogs, monkeys, parrots, they're all a thousand times less wretched than we are. The Dutch fetishes who converted me tell me every Sunday that we are all the sons of Adam, Whites and Blacks alike. I'm no genealogist, but if these preachers are right, we are all cousins born of first-cousins..."

After reading Genesis, why even delve deeper? Isn't it obvious the Bible is a book of mythology and not history, of allegory but not reality? That its writers didn't think it necessary to explain all the crucial details or worry about whether they all jibed?

To the discerning mind, the answers to these questions are easy. To the mind muddied by Bible-whores and their uncanny brainwashing talents, the answers appear gradually or not at all. And this is sad, that so many people continue to revere such a ludicrous anthology.