For your enjoyment and edification, here's a commentary on Genesis 7 and 8, containing the epic story of the momentous deluge which soaked the earth:

The only things in this passage more numerous than the contradictions are the animals alluded to!

In verse 2, we see "clean sevens" mentioned. "Seven" is an odd number, not an even one. In this case, does it refer to four males and three females? Or three males and four females? Actually, I believe the correct conclusion is one male and six females, to ensure progeny. But would the God of the universe need to play a probability game to be sure the world was repopulated after the Deluge? Wouldn't it have been easier to just refrain from drowning the fuck out of everything in the first place? Or maybe re-creating all of creation, to earn another day of rest, was the cosmic ploy. I mean, after all, when you're infinitely old, you need a day off occasionally, don't you?

Sorry, but two and seven are different numbers, so at this point the literalist Bible-believer must make a choice as to which Noah's Ark numerology he or she believes. No load of PFUIs (possible fucked-up interpretations) will change this mathematical fact.

Verse 4 makes my mind swirl with all kinds of questions. For instance, did Noah extract all the favored microorganisms from the soil, the algae and the reefs - including the plankton? How could sea life such as plankton be killed in a flood? Plankton already live underwater so they can't possibly drown.

Did old Noah do some scuba diving with a test tube in hand to gather specimens of phytoplankton and other microscopic members of the food chain? Did his 600-year-old ass and his sons (who themselves must have been at least 500 years old!) hike to the Arctic circle and drill several hundred feet under the ice to collect the very rare and very small life forms which resided there? Did they then walk into the depths of volcanoes to get the equally rare species indigenous to those volcanoes? And did they go miles underground within deep caverns to take out twos and sevens of life forms which live only underground, in very specialized environments? If so, how did the life forms survive en route to the ark and then in the un-specialized confines of the ark? And how in the fuck would Noe know if a form of pygmy jellyfish which inhabits the waters seven miles down in the Mariannas Trench of the Pacific Ocean was clean or unclean?

Did he scour the reef?

How in the fuck did he entice a stingray or male and female 80-foot-long giant octopi aboard his boat? And why would he need to? They lived in the water already, so how would a great flood affect them?

Maybe Noah snagged a few specimens while he was surfing. If so, he must've leaned low and grabbed a male and female electric eel with one hand while using the other arm to maintain his balance.

Did old Noe preserve a pair of Escherichia coli bacteria for the ark? What about other life forms inimical to humans? Did Noah and his boys gather for the ark a cluster of Mycobacterium tuberculosis? If not, and they could be drowned by God, wouldn't this have been a great opportunity for the great God of the Bible to destroy deleterious life forms?

And the biggest question of all which enters my mind when reading Genesis 7 is: How did Noah have time to travel to every square mile of every continent to amass his collection of fauna for preservation on the ark? Many animals on this planet are indigenous to only one country and/or continent. The answer to this is obvious: Whoever wrote the biblical tale of Noah's Ark didn't know a damn thing about the world outside tiny Israel and its immediate surrounding area.

Another question I have is: What about animals which replicate by asexual reproduction? Again, the inventors of this borrowed myth did not even know what asexual reproduction is, so all they mentioned were male and female of every species which reproduce in the usual way. But, regardless of that, only one of a kind of asexually replicating am-i-nals would need to be salvaged for the ark, instead of the precious pairs Yahweh Jehovah insisted upon.

Furthermore, what did Noah do when he embarked into the deep dark jungles of India, Africa and Asia? How did he coax male and female 12-foot cobras to follow him back to the ark? Maybe with a masterful snake-charming routine? How did he convince the massive tigers and other great felines to go onto the ark with him? By yelling carefully "Here kitty-kitty!" I guess.

Apparently, Noah's great God was helping him every step of the way.

Did a male and female anaconda slither behind Noah all the way back to the ark after he visited the Amazon region to collect specimens there?

And why doesn't the Flood story mention preserving plants which could not have endured being buried by water?

In verse 9, we read "There went in two and two." Well, what the hell happened to the sevens mentioned earlier in the text? Why doesn't verse 9 read: "There went in two by two and seven by seven"?

If you still believe the Flood story is literally true, that it really happened, you need counseling. That's all I can say to you.

Let's let the incongruities of verses 17-23 assail our tiny human minds:

Logically and statistically, a worldwide flood would drown millions of babies and children. This makes belief in it even more laughable. Christians and Bible-believers boast about their pro-life stance to the point of annoyance, yet they love and worship a God who drowned millions of young people. How contradictory and hypocritical can you get?

Moving on in the Flood tale, we come to chapter 8.

Finally, Noah and his sweet little family can get back to living a normal life. God finally allows No to remove the cover of the ark.

When I read verse 13, two thoughts immediately come to mind. One is the horrible, immeasurable stench arising from the sealed ark when the lid was lifted. Holy shit! The vapors from the pressurized odors of defecation, body odor, and animal food must have been nastier than fuck! Talk about a funky odor. It must have killed anything which God missed exterminating with the floodwaters. By the time Noah and the saved animals waddled off the Ark, the lid of the Ark was a veritable manhole cover.

My other thought about lifting the lid of the ark is: Damn! Noah must have been a strong old fucker. We read that he removed the cover of the ark all by himself, with no help from his younger sons (although they must have been around 400 to 500 years old themselves). Even if it was a small lid, the feat was still pretty impressive for a 600-year-old. Even if the years weren't as long back then, as Christian revisionists tell us, 600 years is still a lot of years to be alive.

What could the dialogue have been in verse 14?

"Honey, it's dry!"

"Oh, that's great, sweetheart. This is so exciting! Let's go find a picnic table and have a barbecue."

"That shouldn't be too difficult, Mama, since our wonderful God has left us plenty of dead bodies. But I'm afraid by now the meat will be too wet and water-logged to cook. Yeah, shit, honey, I bet it's tough as wrinkled leather. We might have to become vegetarians, honey, or cannibals. Oh shit! I think I forgot to load the lighter fluid and charcoal briquets on the boat when it started raining!"

"That's okay, dear. Let's just wait a little. I have a feeling our Lord will do something very special for us."

A few verses later, in verse 20, God does bless Noah and his family with a feast, miraculously enabling wet soggy animals to be cookable, after he has Noah harvest fowl and beast from the species pool available to him. But this is very puzzling. Evidently there's a large gap in time between verse 19 and verse 20. Verses 17-19 describe how the animals went forth to multiply, but in verse 20 Noah snatches a few barbecue victims "of every clean beast, and of every clean fowl." If they were given no time to propagate, either they reproduced on the ark, which would have made it even more crowded and stenchy and the Flood story even more fantastic and unbelievable, or they did not reproduce. If they did not reproduce and there's no time-gap between verses 19 and 20, Noah barbequed all the survivors of the Flood! If the latter is the case, God must have re-created his animal kingdom later, although the Bible doesn't tell us so. How rich - God saves a pair of every animal species on the planet so it won't be drowned in the Flood and puts an old tired man through the stress and trauma of having to gather all those species, then He barbeques the fuck out of everything!

Poor 'ol Noah. He had to gather specimens of every species. It wasn't easy catching those grasshoppers! At 600 Noah must have had bad knees, and probably bad ankles, not to mention being slower than fuck.

I tried to catch one fucking grasshopper for a whole hour one time when I was a healthy seventeen, and it was harder than fuck! So I can imagine how it must have been for Noah. I tried over and over to snag a grasshopper to feed to a black widow in a metal garbage can when I was working at a golf course as a high-schooler. And I wasn't using a grasshopper net - just my bare hands. The hillside I was on had at least eight species of grasshoppers, ranging from the little farts which are a dull brown in color and pretty much impossible to catch to the big fat lime green ones. Every time I'd get within a few inches of one it would jump a few feet farther away. Finally I grabbed one in mid-air then fed it to the black widow below. What a fucking dilemma for Noah, to catch a male and female of every fucking grasshopper species at the time. I can just hear 'ol Noe cussing in frustration. "Come back here, you little bastard!" By the time he snagged one, he was probably so excited he squeezed the brown juice out of it. On the other hand, Noah probably had help from aliens in rounding up the species of the Earth. Even though the Bible doesn't mention it, flying saucers undoubtedly aided and abetted Noah, just as they did the pyramid-builders.


How silly of the Bible to tell of the Great Deluge anyway, since the Bible also says the Earth is flat. Not to mention that the all-wise Bible never mentions gravity or the other fundamental forces of Nature: the electromagnetic force, the weak nuclear force, and the strong nuclear force.

Without the all-important gravitational force in the equation, all the soggy corpses must have dropped off the edge of the flat Earth, falling into space and still falling now, thousands of years later, until being sucked in by a black hole somewhere or maybe landing on an asteroid.