The Farces Of Dorkness



I know just how thoroughly and deeply cracked Christians are...because I was one! I was a Christian, and I was cracked. I was even a geocentrist for a few years, and a diehard and hardcore Calvinist for awhile, and for a period of overlap I was both. Politically, I was also cracked, having membership in the John Birch Society for four years. So, I'm familiar with the mindset of Christians from experience, and very qualified to ridicule and criticize them.


On an average trip to church, the average Christian says 2.3 cusswords, speeds an average of 4.8 times at an average rate of 3.92 mph above the speed limit, breaks an average of 1.84 other traffic laws, smokes 1.27 cigarettes, thinks 3.75 lustful thoughts about members of his/her own church, thinks 2.01 lustful thoughts and has short sexual fantasies about people outside his/her church, has 5.12 bad thoughts and wishes of ill will about fellow human beings, and commits an average of 7.17 other miscellaneous actions of sin and hypocrisy.

If you believe in Jesus, you might as well worship Winnie the Pooh, and believe that Eeyore is the Beast and Tigger is the Antichrist.


Tell me Christians: Why don't you invent your own God? Why worship one that's already been invented? Get your own fucking God! The Hebrews invented a God; so did the Muslims. So why don't you?

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If the apostle Paul really had "the mind of God," at least while he was penning his epistles, why didn't he include future sins also, and not just contemporary transgressions? Why didn't he include with the timeless sins which have always accompanied humanity, like lust, envy, sloth, and murder, these sinners:

Computer hackers, corporation presidents who rape the planet to reap their profits, cigarette smokers who kill other people with second-hand smoke, telemarketing scammers, crooked insurance salesmen, Enron executives, inside traders who make outrageous killings on Wall Street, congressmen who funnel kickback money into their own bank accounts, business owners who exploit their laborers, food manufacturers who unnecessarily pump their products with deadly chemicals, company execs who pollute rivers and other waterways while producing unneeded products for consumers to waste their money on, car manufacturers, American presidents who bomb the fuck out of innocent villagers in Vietnam and Iraq and destroy their food sources with Agent Orange and by poisoning the water supply, capitalist assholes who sit around doing nothing while thousands of people work for them, investors who snatch the profits generated by the workers' efforts?

Paul didn't say a word about future sins for the same reason the "prophets" who wrote Revelation and other allegedly prophetic books didn't. That reason is he didn't know a fucking thing about the future! He didn't have divine foresight, because he was not divinely inspired. Look at the verses in which he preached the imminent return of Jesus. It didn't happen, did it? His predictions of his precious Lord's imminent return were fucking wrong, because they were nothing but wishful thinking.

The motherfucker was trapped in his own little Mediterranean world.

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Christian churchgoers sit in the pews on their asses measuring their potential energy. They don't actively participate in the service. Instead they listen to a monologue by one man. Then when church is over what do they do? Do they go out and witness? Rarely. Instead they go straight to the restaurant and feed their faces at the trough. Most of them don't even witness to their waiter or waitress. And most of them don't tip worth a fuck. Church people are generally the worst tippers in the universe, and they often take up a table forever and have their stupid church meetings in the restaurant, instead of in church where they should, thereby negatively affecting the food server's daily tips. Churchfucks even leave stupid tracts like "Roman's Road To Heaven" on restaurant tables, not thinking about how shit like that doesn't pay the bills.

Faith of Christians is vital for the maintenance of their cult. Faith is necessary because of ignorance. If Christians knew for sure, they wouldn't need faith. But they don't know that what they believe is a sure thing, so they practice faith. Faith is a product of hope, and not necessarily because believers want the promises of Christianity to come true, but because they don't want to be proven wrong.

Faith has absolutely no power. It makes nothing true. I could have faith in a mermaid at the bottom of the Indian Ocean who runs the universe from there, but my faith wouldn't make it true. And that suggestion, by the way, is no more outlandish than the suggestion of a man sitting on a throne in the sky running the universe from a pedestal called Heaven. The latter is accepted as reasonable primarily because it's been accepted for a long time, but both ideas are on equal ground.

I could read Winnie the Pooh books, be inspired, acquire faith that Winnie the Pooh is God. I could deem Eeyore the Holy Spirit or the Son of God who handles intercessory prayer. I could go through a ritual every day and bray like a donkey: "Ee-yore! Ee-yore! Ee-yore!" If I did this earnestly for awhile I'd emotionally and spiritually connect the ritual. I would after awhile sincerely believe that Winnie the Pooh is God and that Eeyore has spiritual powers, and maybe even place Tigger in the Holy Trinity. But would any of my efforts or practices of newfound faith make any fucking difference? Hell no they wouldn't, and likewise, neither do the manifestations of faith of Christians. They can pray to their God all they want, but their prayer still doesn't make him real.

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The burden of proof concerning Jesus, his existence in human flesh-and-blood, his salvational powers, his divinity, etc., etc., etc., are squarely and completely on the people who preach such claims.

The New Testament is the only "evidence" of Jesus. Evidence is far from proof. Literary evidence is not evidence, and it's a long way from being proof.

The Bible is not enough to prove the existence of Jesus, just as the Mother Goose anthologies are not enough to prove the historicity of Mother Goose. Even if a skeleton of a giant goose was found buried somewhere in Europe, with the spectacles still on it, skeptics such as myself would still be skeptical and unconvinced that the enormous goose skeleton had once been a talking goose who had told fairy tales to children.

Christians need much more than the printed page to make believers out of unbelievers. The literary Jesus is not enough.

***

Christians in general are fucked, but some are more ludicrous than others.

I was riding with a co-worker of mine one day in 1997, in his white Ford station wagon. Looking back, I have no idea why I hung around with him, because he was a fat, wobbly, porcine redneck with an IQ of 5 to 8. His name was Billy, and the name itself tells you a lot about his mentality.

After he gobbled down some McDonald's or Burger King fast food, he rolled up the hamburger sack in a ball and chucked it out the window onto the street.

Being opposed to litter, I said "Man, you just littered! That's terrible!" He answered: "We only have two years left anyway."

How fucked! What a shitty attitude. What a warped way to treat your world. It doesn't matter and should not be respected because we won't be living on it much longer.

What is this hillbilly toad going to do when he gets to Heaven - trash it too? Maybe he'll vandalize the pearly gates and litter the streets of gold and rip feathers off of angels' wings then drop the feathers like confetti on the floors of Heaven. A sick littering bastard like him will probably trash Heaven like a rock band trashes a motel room.

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One of the worst features of Christianity is that it is class-conscious. It doesn't believe in a middle class, however, but just two classes, an upper and a lower. Two broad classes: the saved and the unsaved. The unsaved are considered inferior and are punished for being in the wrong class. They are looked down upon haughtily by the superior class of saved souls, and they are later derided, yea punished, even more harshly by God when he drops them into Hell.

Christianity is an elitist religion. Just another reason it should be rejected.

Its philosophical stances are universally weak as well.

For instance, the classic theological "argument from loneliness" is one of the most easily dismissed positions of the Christian. I've heard several Christians say God created humans because He was lonely. Well, if that's the case why didn't He create another superbeing like Himself? Someone who could have intellectual discussions about quarks and hyperspace instead of beings so far removed from him and way less intelligent? Huh?

Just about every Christian belief is goofy, but another one of the strangest is the idea of an all-male Godhead. God the Father sitting on a throne, Jesus the Son sitting next to Him on his right side in another throne, and the Holy Spirit floating around somewhere outside of Heaven.

Wouldn't it make a lot more sense for Christians to believe in a male and female God and Goddess in Heaven sitting side-by-side in separate thrones and occasionally fucking each other? Especially since Christians praise marriage as the union of male and female as an irremovable sacred rite?

All we're ever told about by Christians is how three male components of the Godhead run the universe. No eminence at all is given to woman. Something is amiss when the female principle is missing from any given theology. What - did the three male members of the male Godhead have a big butt-fuck to produce the human race?

It would've made more sense for Yahweh-God to start life in the universe with asexual reproduction since no females were involved in the beginning, instead of creating a system in which male and female copulate to continue life. This would be more consistent with the method by which God created the universe itself - the habitat of that life - by fiat not by sex.

Back to marriage for a sec...Why didn't God have Adam and Eve get married before they fucked? If marriage is so fucking special, why didn't God's first couple go through the rite before they popped out two babies named Cain and Abel? Apparently God approved of pre-marital sex, and that's the only kind Adam and Eve ever had!, because the Bible never tells us of their getting hitched.

And if monogamy and marriage are so holy, why was polygamy so common among Old Testament denizens? And why did the all-wise Solomon, loved of God, have a thousand sex-slaves who were not married to him?

While we're on the subject of contradictory beliefs, why do Xtians condemn suicide and say it's a no-no?

If suicide is so bad, why isn't it forbidden in the Ten Commandments? Why don't we read: "Thou shalt not extinguish thyself. Thou shalt not terminate thine own life"?

Christians condemn suicide, but their Bible never says a word against it. Jesus committed suicide, but Christians say it's a no-no. They should be chomping at the bit, instead, eager to end their own lives and go to be with Jeezus. Their rejection of suicide as a philosophical option is the zenith of hypocrisy.

Moreover, how can anyone worship a deity or savior-god who was an illegitimate baby, born of divine rape?

That's exactly what Christians do.

Yes, the impregnation of the "virgin" Mary in the "Christmas story" was a case of divine rape, which still has never been prosecuted or even put on the docket. It was a case of divine rape, plain and simple.

Just read the gospels of Matthew and Luke. Did Mary have any choice or any say in being fucked by a ghost? No. Was she violated? Yes. Was the holy rape against her will? Yes. Did Mary consent? No. So it was rape.

Was Mary really a virgin? Maybe before she was fucked by God, but not after. Therefore the appellation "Virgin Mary" is irrelevant. All women are virgins before they're fucked, so calling Mary a virgin is pointless. After she was mysteriously inseminated by the spirit from God she wasn't a virgin, so what's the point in calling her a virgin? And if the birth of Jesus was the Immaculate Conception then why in the fuck was Mary deemed "unclean" in the gospels?! Answer that one, you Xtian sages. Catholics, you go first.

I have to agree with the great John Lennon, who characterized Jesus as "a bastard." I must concur with this label because Mary and the Holy Ghost were not locked in matrimony. And I'm not insulting or condemning illegitimate babies, because they can't help it. But here we're talking about a different kind of scenario, in which Jesus - the Son of God, had a say in the matter as a member of the Holy Triune Godhead before being borne by Mary.

Come on Christians... Get real!

And why do so many Christians tell other humans that Jeezus is coming soon, then go out and buy a big new house with a 30-year mortgage and invest in a 5-year CD and buy a new car with a 6-year note? The answer to this one is easy...because they don't really believe Jeezus is coming soon; that's why.

Christians are just full of contradictions. They prove every day that the Gospel is powerless.

If the Gospel had power, it would instill wisdom into Christian minds. Christians might be extremely intelligent in their chosen career field or in school when they study science, business, or any other non-theological arena. But when it comes to religious matters, their minds are oblivious to common sense and the thought process itself.

Another example of this mental incongruity is the common Christian acceptance of the Great Deluge as an actual historical event.

Most Christians accept it as having really happened. But they don't think about its implications for their own lives.

Think about it for a minute, Xtian. If you had lived during the time of Noah and hadn't been him or a member of his immediate family and headed for the ark, you would've been fucked!

God would've drowned your happy little Christian ass and your kids and your Rottweiler and He would've buried your house and your whole fucking neighborhood with all its convenience stores and tanning salons and video rental places.

Think about that the next time you're sitting in your posh pew in your fake church listening to your lazy-ass preacher spew his nonsense and hypocrisy.

Think about it! If you'd been around for the Great Flood or if the Flood happened now instead of then, your loving God would've drowned the fuck out of everything you now own and love! No more movie theaters, no more McDonald's, no more Wal-Marts, no more school plays, no more football games, no more fucking NASCAR races. Just meditate on that next time you sit there in your sanctuary where you feel safe from the world and the finger of Judgment singing praises and hymns to BibleGod.

In another area of Xtian dogma, the philosophical inconsistency of Christians is unforgivable. The area in question is the abortion issue.

Why didn't God have Adam and Eve get married before they fucked? If marriage is so special, like Christians say it is, why didn't God's first couple go through the wedding ceremony before they popped out two babies named Cain and Abel? Apparently God approved of extramarital sex. Moreover, if marriage is so holy and sacred, why did so many Old Testament patriarchs have multiple wives? Why did Solomon own a thousand sex-slaves whom he fucked day and night? God evidently did not care that he did...

Most Christians are not aware of the inconsistency because they're not scripturally informed. If only they'd study their Bibles, or cursorily read them, they'd realize how laughable their anti-abortion stances and frequent marches are.

What few Christians realize is that the God they adore is the most experienced abortionist in literary history. No deity has ever slaughtered more unborn babies than Yahweh/Jehovah/BibleGod.

In several passages in the Old Testament Yahweh directly exterminates fetuses. In several other passages He expresses His desire and threat to extinguish even more. Prime examples are in Hosea chapters 9 and 13.

Most Christians, when approached with these verses, will say "Well, that's God's judgement." Typical answer...Lamer than shit. I've heard it so many times it nauseates me.

God's judgment?! Give me a fucking break. How can an unborn baby be judged if it isn't even out of the womb and a thinking being yet? How can killing someone "judge" them? How can they learn anything from such a "judgment"?

What a pitiful answer this is. If Christians would only exercise their minds a little more they'd come up with something better than that.

But let's be devil's advocate for a sec and agree that those who take this stance are correct, that abortion is a judgment from God. Okay, then, why decry abortionists and staffs of abortion clinics? Why condemn anyone who is indirectly or directly involved in the act of abortion? If it's God judgment, the practitioners have no choice but to carry out the fruition of divine fore-ordination. And wouldn't an intelligent, all-wise God use means to accomplish His ends? Wouldn't abortion performers simply be tools to execute the judgment of God? Aren't humans partially here to do what God has foreseen in His eternal, perfect will?

Moreover, if the drowning of thousands of unborn fetuses in the Flood - a direct act of God - was a tangent of judgment, why isn't contemporary abortion the same? Either way, babies die. Either way, God's sick purpose, which Christians insist must include the death of unborn and born babies, is fulfilled.

Instead of marching on the White House lawn and picketing and bombing abortion clinics, Christians should rejoice at every abortion and praise God by telling everyone that God's judgment has been once again achieved.

The classic, lame-ass argument "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away" doesn't work here. It fails miserably. There's no need for God to destroy babies, especially unborn ones. God's plans could still be accomplished without genocide of innocent infants and unborns.

As always, Christians lose. They lose this argument because they are philosophically weak and don't think their position through. Your lame arguments have been rendered ineffective.

The forcefulness of Christianity collapses it even more. Think about militarism then think about the approach of Christians. The zeal of soul-winning evangelistic efforts parallels that of gung-ho American soldiers during wartimes. A particular instance is the Vietnam War. The American government could not, or would not, tolerate the opposing Marxist viewpoint, so it tried some indoctrination of its own. When that failed, it turned to killing its doctrinal enemies the North Vietnamese Communists and South Vietnamese resistors. By doing this the American gov showed little faith in its own system. I bet not one American Christian soldier witnessed to a Vietnamese target before flaying him open with his machine gun ammo. I bet not one American Christian soldier shouted out John 3:16 before pulling the trig.

If they won't join you, they die! If you can't persuade 'em, kill em! Or give up and consign them to Hell for not agreeing with you. This is the core attitude of Christianity: Believe or be damned. One thing Christianity can't stand is dissent. Blest be dissent.

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Rolling the Dice

Pascal's Wager is one of the most common arguments in favor of accepting Christianity. It's still used by believers all the time, although most of them have never heard the term "Pascal's wager." They use variations of it to convince nonbelievers to sway their way.

The position, proposed by mathematician Blaise Pascal, says everyone should accept Jesus as lord and savior because of the great personal loss possibly involved with not accepting him. Instead of proffering the classic Pascal's Wager scenario, though, Christians use the inane "What if you're wrong?" ploy. They say this smugly because they have hell on their side. If an atheist says to a non-Christian "What if you're wrong?" it doesn't have the same bite, because atheists don't threaten believers with hellfire for not believing in atheism.

The name of the argument alone: Pascal's wager, corrupts its integrity as an argument for buddying up with Jesus. Why? Because the Bible says Jesus is the rock and the way. Any philosophical argument which involves an if-then wager is not as solid as the Rock himself.

What Pascal failed to do, and what Christians still fail to do, is logically extend the Wager beyond Christianity and envelop other religions within the argument. Only religions which preach punishment as a consequence of not accepting them should be included within the umbra.

To play Devil's advocate, which is always fun as hell and good exercise for the mind, I'll briefly take Pascal's Wager seriously. I'll also be more logical than Pascal himself was and contemporary Xtians are by assigning the Wager an extra-Christian radius.

Okay, I'm taking it seriously now. I at once realize I'd better accept every single religion which preaches punishment for not accepting it, to minimize or extinguish my risk of such punishment.

I better accept Christianity for a short season, just in case its promise of Hell for not snagging its conditional salvation is indeed true.

I better accept Islam next, because it also ensures horrible pain for rejecting it.

Then I better swing back to individual branches of Christianity, to cover all the possible grief I can suffer from not adhering to them. This had better include Catholicism, which teaches purgatory, which includes improvement by fire for thousands of years.

At the end of all this experimentation with all damnation-offering religions and offshoots, I had better, for my own sake, determine which to accept in the end and keep until the day I die. And I had better be sincere in riding the pendulum and accepting every single one of them, otherwise the God of each, be it Allah or Yahweh or any other angry deity, will surely detect my insincerity and punish me for it.

Since I don't know when I'll die, however, I had best, for my own best interest, accept all religions which harbor the threat of eternal damnation simultaneously.

So here's my plan:

I'll play it safe and smart and believe in Christianity for a few years. I'll accept Jesus into my heart and worship his holy Jesusness for awhile then fall upon Allah for a decade or so, then I'll soak in all the Catholic doctrines for about the same time frame, go to Mass every Saturday, do the rosary, say Hail Marys, etc., etc..

My dilemma is that I must somehow figure out how to incorporate the tenets of all three religions all at once. I have no choice but to perfect this three-way worship to avoid ending up in one or all of the faiths' Hells and/or purgatories. If I'm lucky and my gambit pays off I'll end up in one of their three paradises, however. But a new dilemma would cloud me after I got to one of those Heavens, because, for instance, if I was enjoying bliss in the Christian biblical Heaven, Allah might prove his superiority by snatching me from that Heaven and dispatching me to his Islam Hell. That could happen if both said religions are true, which Pascal's wager doesn't rule out.

Pascal's Wager produces the attitude among believers that their religion is part of a cosmic crap shoot. Accept Jesus just in case. But they don't logically ask themselves if they should accept Allah just in case.

Another hole in the argument is that it considers only extant religions. What if a hidden religion exists, which is revealed only at the end of individual lives and at the end of the world, that finally lets everyone know it is the one true path and that everyone who accepted any religion other than it, be it one that promises damnation or one that teaches the absence of afterlife, will be punished with a variety of punishment even worse than eternal fire? Of course, this religion's deity or deities would be cruel by not giving anyone a chance to accept it during mortal conscious lifetime, but that's beside the point. The point is that anyone who proffers Pascal's Wager as a tenable argument must logically extend it beyond known religions to an array of infinite possibilities of acceptance and adherence. Otherwise, they might be fucked.



An Imaginary Query Of Oral Roberts On His Sighting Of BigandTall Jesus

Holy and most righteous Oral, please tell us, did you really see a 900-foot-tall Jesus?

If you really did, then why did noone else in the big city of Tulsa Oklahoma see him?

When God-in-human-flesh appeared to you to save your City of Faith Hospital and keep you from selling it to a corporation, which you eventually did anyway, what did his holy godly Jesusness say to you?

Please enlighten us, O most sanctified one, what color was Jesus? Was he a white man, as is now widely accepted, or was he a black man, as was originally thought?

Was he a hippy with long brown hair like in the traditional common paintings we see in homes and churches? Or did he have short hair?

What was he wearing, Oral? Did he have any kind of loincloth or other garment, or was he BigandTallNakedJesus?

Well, let's hope Jeez was wearing something, because a 900-foot towering Jesus would have about a 75-foot schlong. This is assuming his cosmic cock was erect when you saw him and also assuming he was endowed as normal earthly males are, with an average 6-inch pecker when in normal size mode of course and not a 900-footer, and furthermore assuming he was an average dude of six-feet height. And we're talkin' an impressive length of around 25 feet of cockness when limp.

If our presumption is wrong, though, and Jeezus was not average but instead well-endowed, his cockness could have been in the frightening range of 85 to 90 feet in length if he had a woodie at the time.

A 900-foot man would be arresting enough, but with a humongous schlong flopping around he would be scarier than Godzilla, even if he was Jesus. A cock of such enormity bobbling and dangling could be dangerous. It could even stop traffic and cause collisions. So hopefully Jeezus was wearing at least an ephod, or something of the like to contain his maleness. Even a limp swinging appendage of such superhuman dimensions would be a hazard.

But our presumptions are shaky. In the first place, why would Jesus wear anything at all? Why would he need clothing? Wouldn't that belie his alleged attribute of omnipotence?

Secondly, why would Jesus even have a member? If you say he would, please tell us why. Since he never had sex, your answer must be so he could piss on the cacti and junipers. But then again, a god in human flesh would not have a need to piss. Unless he wanted to be "fully God and fully man," which is what your Christian theologians tell us his blessed Jesusness was. But if that's true, he would've been fully man by experiencing the gamut of human emotions and experiences, and these would include greed, envy, lust, and sexual intercourse, and movies like The Last Temptation Of Christ would be immune from condemnation for portraying Jesus as more human than the Bible does.

Come on Oral! Please let us in on your secret, since you're the only human who saw this mega-Jesus and since I wasn't lucky enough to be there. Share your knowledge with me, man! Let us in on the esoterica which you were privileged to witness. Did Jesus have a pecker when you saw him? What about when he visited Earth the first time? And by the way, how could you have seen Jesus when the Bible says he will come a second time? If you really caught a glimpse of him when he visited you and only you, that will make the visitation described in the book of Revelation the Third Coming not the Second Coming, and that would make you a heretic, which we know isn't possible because you're wholly holy.

Did Jesus voluntarily dismember himself when he returned to Heaven two thousand years ago? If not, why not? Why would Christ need a schlong in Heaven?

If Jeezus was indeed fully divine and fully human, he must have been membered. With that member he must have achieved an erection from time to time. But as a lifelong virgin whose cosmic cock could not be defiled by contact with a mortal female, his penile elongations were evidently never for the purpose of copulation. Or at least the Bible implies. But surely Jeez was visited with at least a few erections while inhabiting Earth, if for no other reason than while taking a leak in the chilly desert night air. If the latter, he still enjoyed the pleasures of erectification since the stimulus of cool air caused him to harden and not a lustful thought like one of gyrating titties.

Were Jesus well-endowed, on the other hand, he must've disappointed any mortal Earth girl who found him sensual and attractive, who got turned on watching him turn water into wine or walk on the ocean. What a waste from her viewpoint - a large cock which was always idle...

I have another question, Oral. Was Jesus carrying anything with him? A briefcase? An ice cream cone? Or what about a sword? He said in the New Testament that he came to Earth wielding a sword, but then again that's undoubtedly symbolic.

Drop us some hints, O Blessed and Holy Oral. Please. Oral, be our oracle. And be our orifice of God's word, and, yea, our pipeline from Heaven to Earth. Amen and amen.

Let us in on this, Oral. Please, Oral. Be our holy oracle of godly knowledge.