TV EPISODES I WISH I'D SEEN
Leave It To Beaver:
Eddie Haskell walks into the Cleavers' den while Mrs. Cleaver is bending over to unplug the vacuum cleaner. Being a young teenage boy, his hormones start to heat up.
"Gee, Mrs. Cleaver, you have a very nice ass."
"Why thank you Eddie, that's a very sweet thing to say."
Eddie pulls her towards him and they embrace and begin to kiss.
A few minutes later Mr. Cleaver ("Ward" to the Mrs.) comes home from the office and walks in on them gettin' it on. Ward barks: "Eddie, don't you think you should ask me before you fuck my wife?"
Eddie cackles with his classic cackle and smartassly retorts: "Gee, Mr. Cleaver, I thought it would be okay. I've already finished my homework, and the Beave and Wally said I'm welcome to anything in your house, to just help myself. Heh-heh."
Mr. Cleaver responds sternly: "Now Eddie, I know the boys didn't say that. You can go now, Eddie. We'll discuss this later."
Of course, as always Mr. Cleaver sets Eddie and his wife straight, thereby maintaining his status as a TV-land patriarch and societal authority in this ep, which would have been titled "Cleave To The Beaver", or perhaps "Leave It In My Beaver". But at least the lucky viewers get to see Mrs. Cleaver butt-naked.
Ben Cartwright, the silver-haired patriarch of the Cartwright clan, tells his boy Hoss to round up three dozen head of cattle, brand them, and get them ready for a cattle drive to Montana the following morning.
Hoss feels sudden pangs of conscience and snaps: "Fuck you, Cartwright. I'm sick and tired of taking part in all this animal cruelty. I'm outta this scene."
Big Hoss then packs his bags, leaves the Ponderosa and joins a Buddhist sect in Oregon where he spends the rest of his life as a pacifist vegetarian meditating, chanting, raising llamas, and growing hemp.
In another episode out on the big Ponderosa, the action begins as Little Joe, Hoss, and the cook and servant, Hop Sing, are all taking a leak in the water trough.
Although a big burly man, Hoss has a complex about having a small penis size, and he's self-conscious about it, so he normally pees alone. But this time he couldn't wait, and they all relieve each other at the same time.
They all three look at each other's peckers while they're peeing.
Hop Sing blurts, in his broken English: "Hoss, you have small cock. You Big Hoss, you cock should be big. Little Joe have big cock, but he called Little Joe. Why people call you Big Hoss? You cock is little! We should call you Little Hoss and call you brotha Big Joe!!"
Then Hop Sing and Little Joe start howling with laughter, and Ben and the other brother, Adam, ride up on their horses. They all start pointing at Hoss's tiny pecker and join the laughter, and he becomes red with embarrassment and zips his pants prematurely, dribbling some urine on his gingham trousers.
A sensitive man, Hoss pulls his fist back and acts like he'll hit Hop Sing, then decides not to get violent since his father is watching.
He hollers: "Why you miserable little yellow-skinned Chinese bastard! I ought to fuck you up real good!"
In the next scene, a forlorn Hoss is talking to a cow. She's been in the fam for a long time; her name is Bessie.
"Bessie, I just know no woman will ever want me." He pets her neck gently. "My weeny is just too small. Why couldn't I have been well-endowed like my brothers? Even Hop Sing has a bigger weeny than I do, and he ain't even American. Shit, Bessie, I have no choice but to make love to you. I know you've always cared about me."
Bessie stares back at a teary-eyed Hoss with a blank look, her black eyes looking peaceful and serene.
Then the bestiality ensues...
"Yes Bessie, oh yes, that's nice..."
"MOOOOOOOOOOOO. MOOOOOOOOOO!! MOO-oh!-ooo-oh!-oooo-ooo-ooo!!"
"Yes, Bessie! Oh fuck yes! Here it comes, baby!"
I heard one time that 600 eps of "Bonanza" were made. That's a staggering number for one series! I bet noone's ever seen all of 'em.
In the 597th episode, all the horses start talking to Little Joe and he goes insane.
The Ozzie And Harriett Show:
Ozzie smokes a bong and drops acid with Rickey and the other kids.
I Dream Of Jeannie:
A butt-naked Jeannie, played by the ever-beautiful and delicious Barbara Eden, is double-penetrated by Majors Nelson and Healey (screaming "Yes, master! Yes!") while sucking off the usually stone-faced Dr. Bellows. Then Dr. Bellows' hot blond wife walks in on them and gets naked and joins the action. An apt title for this ep would be "I Dream Of Weenie."
The Andy Griffith Show:
Aunt Bea unbeknownstly picks a peck of psychedelic psilocybin shrooms. Thinking they are regular mushrooms, she takes them from her back yard and includes them as ingredients in a salad she enters in a contest at the annual county fair.
All the judges in the food contest are stoned and hallucinating after sampling the salad. One of the judges: Deputy Barney Fife, rips off his clothes, howls at the moon, jumps atop the picnic tables and dances naked.
While orbiting the planet Gluteus IV, the stars of "Star Trek" have a star fuck - an orgy on the bridge.
After Lieutenant Uhura drains Mr. Spock's Vulcan cock of its superheated Vulcan semen, steam wafts out of Uhura's mouth. She licks her salty lips lustily, looking satisfied.
Spock raises one eyebrow and exclaims: "Lieutenant, you perform fellatio with utmost efficiency, and quite logically. I'll be sure to recommend you for a promotion at the next meeting with Starfleet superiors."
Mr. Sulu suddenly interjects: "Captain Kirk! I'm receiving a message from the planet's high priestess. They have been --- watching. I'm getting a lot of static, Sir. They have been --- fondling? --- fondly! --- observing us --- for the last --- hour --- We are admirable --- phsyical --- specimens --- they send their --- compliments. It's breaking up Captain. Wait. She is --- inviting us --- to --- join her citizens --- in their planet's major --- city --- for a --- party!"
Kirk whirls around in his captain's chair and leans forward. "Relay a message to the high priestess, Sulu. Tell her I'll have an answer shortly." Then turning to Doctor McCoy, Kirk mumbles quietly: "I've seen those beautiful three-breasted Glutean women. They're incredible. I can't wait to get my hands and tongue on those tits."
Overhearing the captain, Nurse Chapel interjects: "Their double-cocked male inhabitants are very nice too. Mmmmm. Captain, please say Yes! Please accept their invitation."
Spock adds: "Quite logical, Captain. A love-in with the Glutean citizens would be a most satisfactory and auspicious way to establish diplomatic relations with this planet."
An excited Mr. Scott chimes in, with an excited Scottish pitch. "Aye, Captain, those young lassies on Gluteus are tasty young things. Let's go down below and fuck all of 'em! Uh, I mean, uh, let's get acquainted with the planet's natives for the benefit of future alliances against those nasty Klingons. Sir."
Captain Kirk thinks for a few seconds, then snaps: "Yes, beam everyone down, six at a time. Three chicks - I mean female crewmembers - and three men in each landing party."
Within hours, all 430 crew members of the Enterprise are on the planet, humping away for the good of the Federation. What was supposed to be a city-wide party turns into a planet-wide orgy.
Of course this episode is called "Star Fuck" or "Star Prick". In the preamble - you know, that part at the start of every ep where the Enterprise is shooting around the galaxy, weaving through the moist depths of space like a penetrating, surging phallus, Kirk would say: "These are the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. Our mission is to seek out and suck off new lifeforms. To boldly grope where no man - or woman - has come before."
Days Of Our Lives:
In the middle of yet another scene of mindless dialogue and horrendous acting, one of the "actors" has a sudden flash of inspiration.
"Fuck this! Fuck it all! Don't you guys get it?! Soaps suck!! Why should we keep making this shit, this so-called entertainment, this trash in which people live vicariously through us, instead of living their own real lives? I've had enough. I can't do this any more!"
Miraculously, all the actors and directors and cameramen and everyone else in the studio agree. They walk off the set en masse.
Then, again miraculously, all the soap opera crews in the universe follow their lead and discontinue their soaps, thereby blessing the world by ridding it of the curse called soap operas.
The Professor takes a stroll back to his tent after carving a few coconut shells to use as makeshift headphones. When he arrives, he catches the Skipper humping the cuter-than-fuck Marianne, her beautiful tanned and tan-lined farmgirl body cooing and wiggling with pleasure. The Professor bellows "You sorry no-good motherfucker! Get your fat ass off of my girl!" The Skipper gasps in embarrassment and surprise, having assumed the Professor was out studying the island's indigenous butterfly population.
The Professor is pissed. He'd always thought Marianne would wait and lose her virginity to him after they got off the island and got married one day. The normally easy-going Professor and the Skipper have words, and start swinging it out. Marianne shrieks "OH, STOP!!!", starts bawling, and runs out of the tent, a bedsheet wrapped around her luscious body. The sheet drops as she flees into the palms, and her incredible white ass is highlighted in the center of the screeen, glistening with the coconut oil the Skip had rubbed all over it during their foreplay.She runs all the way to the other side of the island, where she happens upon the always-horny Ginger riding Gilligan. Ginger is singing "I wanna be loved by you...by you...and nobody else but you...I wanna be loved by you...koo...koo...kee-choo!" Gilligan is squirming under Ginger's gyrations. He thrusts his skinny pelvis upward to meet her sinuous motions. "Ah, baby, swallow my cock, baby. Squeeze it! Ah, fuck yow, Ginger, ride me. Ride me, baby, ride my cock." His hat finally falls off for the first time in the history of the series. After the hysterical Marianne calms down, she joins them in a three-way. Mr. Howell is sitting in his wicker lounge chair, spectating and sipping his tropical cocktail. "Hooray!" he hollers, and claps his hands in applause. "Here now! Bravo!"
In the next scene, the Professor and Skipper start to become aroused as they are punching and wrestling and groping. As their anger steadily dies away, their long-repressed gay tendencies come to the surface. They grasp each other's hands and kiss softly and gently. Each says "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it" while staring into each other's eyes, then they walk off into the island sunset holding hands to live happily ever after (or as long as the series lasts).
Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, lucky Gilligan is still banging away with the hot Ginger and hotter Marianne.
(I always knew skinny little Gilligan had it in him. In this ep he finally asserts his sexuality, loses his inhibitions, and becomes a man. He even gains enough confidence and self-esteem to shed his goofy cap and quit wearing it all the time. And the sultry Marianne finally gets her cherry popped).
Fortunately, the producers decided not to air the sex lives of Mr. and Mrs. Howell.
In the midst of one of their classic scene-sequel-scene dialogues, Sergeant Friday and the other cop (Harry Morgan - I forget his show name) contemplate their careers while sipping coffee and eating bologna sandwiches.
Harry Morgan is hit with a sudden flash of inspiration and quips: "What do we do all the time, day after day, after day? We bust people for minding their own business. Who cares if they're smoking pot or dropping acid as long as they're not endangering anyone else? Well, I don't like it. I can't live with myself any more, Joe! Timothy Leary was right - about everything. Fuck cops and fuck the government. Anarchy is the answer after all!"
Miraculously, Sergeant Joe Friday agrees. "Fuck yeah, pard. People are intelligent enough to govern and rule themselves without the external, artificial structures of church and state constantly telling them what they can and can't do. The parameters of authoritarianism need to be not only adjusted, but abolished, and I want to do my part. And additionally, if members of society didn't have assholes like us continually telling them to not do certain things, thereby automatically causing them to crack under the pressure and do so many alleged wrongs, we would live in a much more benevolent and low-crime America, don't you think? Like that whore we busted in the alley off Riviera Drive a few days ago. We should've just looked the other way. There's nothing wrong with prostitution. People always end up paying to get laid anyway, either directly or indirectly. I'm really glad you brought this up, pard. I feel better about myself now that I've gotten this off my chest. I think our very existence causes crime, don't you?"
"Yes Joe, I'm afraid you're right. I resign."
Sergeant Joe Friday snaps: "I resign too. Let's get the fuck out of this pig sty."
In the next ep Friday rolls off a different preamble: "The story you are about to see is altered. Only the facts have been changed, to protect the pigs."