Enraptured

The cult of the Rapture is not universal among Christians and Bible-worshipers. Many of them interpret the twinkling of an eye, the last trump, and the meeting of Jesus in the clouds as entirely figurative metaphors with a hidden meaning. But many take the "Rapture" very seriously.

Yes, some Christians really do believe in the Rapture. They don't explain this momentous event very fully though. Most of them don't even realize the word "rapture" is nowhere in the Bible. As partakers of it, a lot of them likewise don't realize that rapture-belief is a huge cult in this world.

I keep wondering about aspects of the Rapture, but I never hear any answers from these believers. Maybe they don't explain the Rapture too thoroughly because their worshiped book doesn't either. One thing I wonder is, are the body and soul both raptured? And if not just the soul is sucked up, but the body as well, is the body taken up without the clothes it's wearing at the fateful twinkling of an eye? If the soul alone is sucked up to Heaven, is the body transformed and a pile of chemical powder and a pile of clothes left in a heap on the floor? Or is the body left intact when the soul departs it? If the soul is taken out, will the body fall over and bang its head on a curb and die? Or will it continue to live and think and function without people realizing its soul was raptured? Will the world experience a naked Rapture? Will Jesus himself be naked when he meets us halfway?

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Ironically, Christians in America are almost universally patriotic. They attend God-family-country rallies around the Fourth of July. They believe in prayer in school. They put America first. They extol and exaggerate the virtues of America such as freedom of speech. Yet they live for the day when the end of freedom will come. Yes, the trip to Heaven will be the end of freedom for Xtians - for those who die before the end of the world or those who get sucked up to Heaven in the Rapture. Either way, it will be the end of the world for each individual Xtian. Unlike the United States which Christians so inveterately praise, Heaven will be the ultimate fascist dictatorship. The unbelievers who are in Heaven for only a short time, to attend the great and terrible Judgement Day, will be forced to take a knee and surrender to God whether they want to or not, acknowledging Him as king of the universe and admitting they should have accepted his son Jesus as their lord and savior when they had the chance. Now that's what I call freedom of choice! After the sinners are compelled to do this, they are sent away to everlasting Hell to join the bodies aflame. For those who attend Judgment Day and are found in the pages of the Book of Life, Heaven will be an equally oppressive regime. From that point on, they can go nowhere. They will be trapped there and must live there forever. What the fuck they'll do there isn't really talked about much by God in his Bible. Maybe he wants to surprise them. One reason most Christians will hate Heaven is that they won't be able to watch football. They'll be screaming "I want out of here! Let me go to Hell! I'll start my own fuckin' football team!"

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I was sucked in by the Rapture cult when I was young. Which wasn't hard, because I was a good Christian boy.

One summer in the mid-70s I was at a church camp - the largest in the world, in fact. A bookstore there sold Bibles, which is a travesty in itself, since Bibles should be free if they're God's word. The store also was selling dozens of Chick Publications tracts - the little 3-by-5ers that were in comic book form. Several of them promoted the Rapture and were intended to scare non-Christians into believing so they wouldn't get "left behind."

Now, another rapturist - Tim Lahaye, is making millions with the same scare tactic with his enormously popular "Left Behind" series of books.

I challenge all rapturists, including Lahaye, to bet me a billion bucks on the wager that the Rapture will never occur. I'll even give them 10-to-1 odds. There's no way I can lose. No way I can win, either. If the Rapture happens, the winner will be sucked up to Heaven with Jesus and my infidel self will be left behind and not have to pay up. But if I'm right, I'll never have to pay, but I can't collect either, because the rapturists I bet will keep saying "It's gonna happen - you just wait!" So, I'm fucked, but not as fucked as they are. I don't think I'll make this bet after all.

A co-worker of mine was telling me during lunch one day in 1997 that the world would end by 2000. He wasn't vague in his apocalypticism, for he was a rapture-believing Southern Baptist. I bet him 5 million dollars the world would not end by 2000. Pretty safe bet...no way could I lose...he owes me 5 mill. By the way, he's the same little roly-poly toad-fuck I write about in "Those Cracked Christians: The Farces Of Dorkness."