Tuneage To Die From

Eric Clapton has penned and performed some of the most atrocious songs in rock 'n roll history. His craptunes "Lay Down Sally," "After Midnight," "Wonderful Tonight," and "Tears In Heaven" are all as lame and boring as any song ever! They earn him the top spot in Blest Be Dissent's Most Overrated Musicians In History.

I love the song "Classical Gas," and once I downloaded a dozen cover versions of this classic from Napster or Audiogalaxy. The version by British progressive rockers Beggar's Opera, which I believe is the original, was the best. The one played on the radio all the time in the 70s, by Mason Williams, was excellent as well. Guess whose version was the worst? Yes, Eric Crapton's. His cover of "Classical Gas" was as lame as lame can be.

"Tears In Heaven" won Crapton a Grammy because of sympathy for his young son's death. The sympathy is fine because it was for the death of a young child. But musically, its a dead song. Lifeless as it can be. Thoroughly shitty, like many of his songs. Who cares if it won a Grammy? Big fucking deal. Grammies are totally political anyway. A lot of bad songs have won Grammies. How often has the best song of the year won the Grammy? Probably never. Grammies never include underground or psychedelic or progressive or avant-garde music so the best tuneage is never included in the nominations. Only mainstream shit is considered. So fuck the Grammies.

But back to Crapton...His best stuff was before he performed under his own name. When he became eponymous is when he started really sucking. He did produce one really incredible, absolutely awesome and way cool song: "Crossroads." But he was much much better with Cream and other psychedelic bands in his early career than he was under the name Eric Clapton. As Eric Clapton he's been nothing but Eric Crapton. A few good songs like "Bad Love," but not many. His version of "I Shot the Sheriff" is good, but his version of "Cocaine" is terrible. I realize he didn't write it, but he took a mediocre song and made it really bad. And when it comes to the blues, he's one of the worst blues guitarists ever! And definitely one of the worst blues vocalists. The guy cannot sing the blues. He might think he can, but that doesn't mean he can. His blues material is horrific! It's so bad it's scary. Eric Clapton can't do the blues. Furthermore, Crapton is a shitty, boring, monotone vocalist - not a good singer at all, not blessed with a good singing voice either. And he's extolled by thousands as the greatest guitarist ever but the way he tunes his guitar sounds shitty, and he ain't even in the Top 100 of greatest guitarists ever. Hell, he ain't even in the Top 1,000! A common mistake people make when they talk about the greatest guitarists of all time is they don't ever even consider underground and progressive bands, usually because they ain't even familiar with 'em. The guitarists (and musicians of any instrument) of the progressive and avant-garde music world destroy any mainstream guitarist like Crapton. To paraphrase and augment the lyrics of Crapton himself, I'll end this rant by saying "If I could chay-hay-hange the world, you wouldn't even be in the music industry, motherfucker."

The 10 Most Nauseating Songs In History

1. "I Will Always Love You", written by Dolly Parton but performed by Whitney Wailing-and-Talentless Houston*

2. "Through the Years", by Kenny Great-Big-Bullfrog-Testicles Rogers

3. "Kokomo", by The Beach Over-the-Hill-Should've-Already-Retired-A-Long-Fucking-Time-Ago Boys**

4-10 (and beyond). Any song and every song by Michael He's-Revoltin' Bolton***

All of these songs are okay, as long as you play them with the volume all the way down. Yeah, at zero decibels they're tolerable. Play them with no speakers or with your speaker wires disconnected and you'll be fine. Yeah, there ya go. If a Michael Bolton song is playing in the forest and noone is there to hear it does it still sound shitty? Hell yes, it does. And it kills millions of birds, nematodes, bunny-wabbits and other forest-dwellers.

These songs are, in descending order of nausea, "I Will Always Love You" by Hitme Pukeston, being the most nauseating, "Through the Years" being just a little less vomitus-inducing, and so on down the line. They all make me wanna puke and I come close to urping every time I hear one of 'em.

Anyone who wants to contribute other candidates for this list is welcome to. I realize there are plenty of other sickening songs out there besides those in my list. Runners-up which could conceivably make the list include "9 To 5" by Dolly Parton, "Blinded By the Light" by Mannfred Mann's Earth Band, and "Born In the USA" by another shitty vocalist and seriously overrated "performer", Bruce Springsteen. Bob Seger's "Old Time Rock n Roll" sucks large elephant dicks too. In it Slob Meager tries to sing "Today's music ain't got the same soul". The dork didn't realize the implications of that, did he? By singing the words "Today's music ain't got the same soul", and singing it today, he implies his own music is not as good as older rock 'n roll. "Today's music aint' got the same soul." Yow, that's right, dumbass, that includes the song you're singing.

George Thorogood's "Bad To the Bone" is also thoroughly hideous - an absolutely nightmarish "song". In it the One-Chord Wonder shows just how untalented he is as a vocalist and guitarist.

Most songs by Barry Manilow would qualify as well and meet the criteria needed to make this elite list, since largely his songs are extremely sappy and syrupy and therefore nausea-inducing. Who can stomach Fairy Mangle-oh's most famous pukish production: "I Write The Songs"? Vomitus-inducing!!! Projectiles of puke fly out of the throats of millions when that soupy shit-tune oozes through the airwaves.

And of course, Warren Zevon's "Werewolves In London", or whatever the fuck it was called, with its pitiful attempt at a howl during the chorus, is one of the absolutely cheesiest and worst songs ever, destroying the unlucky listeners' aural cavities with irritating piano and a growly, downbeat singing voice. Who knows - maybe Zevon was trying to be as bad as possible with that horrible novelty song.

Anything by the fake Shitney Spears is abysmal, as she's even worse than Bitchney Spewston. In fact, a rendition of "I Will Always Love You" by Gripme Smears would probably be even worse than Houston's puke-provoking version.

As for other male "vocalists", Don Henley is bad - REALLY BAD. He was shitty with The Eagles, but grew worse when eponymously barfing out lame-ass radio rock. The guy is garbage. How come we can't get lucky with news of pukes like Henley killing themselves or OD'ing or getting shot by zealous fans, instead of brilliant musicians like John Lennon and Jim Morrison? The music world would have been a little less nauseating without the worthless Henley. How tragic that millions of people have sorry enough taste to buy his shit records.

And I mustn't forget to mention "We Can't Dance" by Genesis. This exceedingly pukish "song" should have been entitled "We Can't Sing - And We Can't Play Instruments". Which reminds me - Phil Collins rivals Michael Bolton in grotesqueness and overratedness. He was much worse after he left Genesis, where he was pretty fucking bad.

And how can I forget Tina Turner? The bitch is downright scary! Not only her looks, but her strained, desperate, out-of-tune attempts at singing give me nightmares! Instead of her horrific Top 40 "tune" "What's Love Got To Do With It?", she should have been screeching "What's Talent Got To Do With It?".

And I didn't even include country music, which is horrible beyond belief. The country-and-western genre could easily fill pages upon pages of nauseating song lists, due to its infinite supply of wailing and whiny steel guitars, puerile and just-plain-stupid lyrics, and vocalizations by butt-fucked no-talent rednecks each of whom tries to sound more twangy and retarded than the previous one.

Footnotes

*Should have been entitled "I Will Always Fuck You (Over, With Really Bad Music)". The continual wailing by this no-talent totally commercialized bitch is abominable. It's one of those songs that seems to mercilessly go on forever, that you think will never end but hope it does and very soon.

**The Bleach Boys had their day and they were quite innovative in their early years, but they didn't know when to stop, and they made the mistake of doing one of those infamous, lame "comebacks" (Aerosmith ring a bell?, or Robert Plant trying to do the eponymous thing long after Zep had fried and Plant needed some cash?). "Kokomo" has to be one of the most namby-pamby, bubble-gummy, just plain sickening songs in history, as in sugary-sweet sickening. "Joke-'em-mo" is indeed nauseating. Anyone who likes it needs counseling. It belongs in The Pop Music Hall of Shame, and the Beach Toys - the ones who are still alive - should apologize to everyone for performing it.

***This is the guy who raped the great classic "Sittin' On the Dock of the Bay" and who butchered the love-song standard "When a Man Loves a Woman". Dolt'un should have been shot for both of those travesties but was somehow allowed to live, and to continue being the worst vocalist in history, and to pollute the airwaves of radio land, thrilling all those fat-'n-greasy Wal-Mart-shoppin' sweatpant-wearin' trailer-dwellin' Dorito-chompin' Jerry Springer-watchin' white-trash bitches everywhere.