Other Original Commentaries
Bible-believers continuously pound unbelievers with what is probably the most famous verse from their sacred text: John 3:16, but they never mention Genesis 3:16. The verse lucidly demonstrates God's inhumanity to women.
Notice how Onan refuses to fuck and marry his dead brother's wife. He evidently possessed two somethings Yahweh knew nothing about: a conscience, and its associated sense of morality.
Instead of having sex with the lady, though, Onan spills his jizz on the ground.
Does this make any fucking sense? After reading this far, do you still worship this Sex Fiend In the Sky? If you still do, you likewise lack a sense of morality.
I am elated beyond words that I do not worship this "God".
I Kings 1
Poor old David - now a sagging old man, surely longed for the good 'ol days when he'd been young and virile and fucking everything in sight. As he lay on his deathbed, he must have smiled when daydreaming about those glorious bygone days of lechery. Alas, his piety was suffering from a lame cock.
But alas, now David's pecker is cold and limp, and the superannuated patriarch can not even "get heat" (verse 2). The blood just isn't flowing to his glans penis any longer. He will never again have blood surging into his bulbous cockhead and feel the pleasure of a hard-on. No more breaking in shapely young virgins. No more fuckfests with bedfuls of concubines in king-sized beds. No more fellatio under the junipers...
So by now pitiful 'ol Dave can't get it up. If only he hadn't expended so much energy towards slaughtering innocent people in his younger days as an ambitious king...
His servants, showing they may have cared for him, or rather undoubtedly fearing being beheaded, send out a search party for a virgin.
Notice the searchers had to look long and hard throughout all the coasts of Israel before they found one...What does this tell you about the morals of ancient Israel?
Woe unto David. Abishag, the lucky virgin finally discovered, must have been as ugly as her name, for even when the "fair damsel" embraces David and presses her young female body against him he is still hopelessly limp. In his younger days, his pecker would've sprung to life at the mere sight of the bitch.
"And the king knew her not." The impotence is just too full-blown.
And so ends David's reign as a sexual tyrant. The women of Israel are safe once more, until the next lecherous monster with Yahweh's blessing comes along...
II Chronicles 13:16-17
Big Bad God does things in a big bad way. He don't fuck around. Why kill just a few people when you can wipe out half a million with one stroke?
The key fact here, though, is that these victims are half a million of His own chosen people! Not only is this insanely ridiculous, it conflicts with JehovahGod's promise to Abraham that He would make the children of Israel as numerous as the sand of the sea. Slaughtering half a million chosen at one time is the absolute reverse of preserving the gene pool and breeding stock of the chosen race so it can be fruitful and multiply!
II Chronicles 21:18-19
Sick, sick, sick. BibleGod kills a man by giving him an incurable bowel disease. The poor 'ol guy suffers for awhile, then his bowels fall out! How his bowels fall out and where they fall to is not explained. They must have stayed within his body though, because there's no way they could fall through the dude's anus. As you know, that's a pretty tight squeeze.
Jeremiah 19:3-9, 39:16
The master evil-bringer promises more evil, as in the Books of Kings and Isaiah, among other places.
In chapter 19, He even promises cannibalism to those who won't follow Him!
Who in the hell are Christians to continue worshiping the Abortionist In the Sky? Who the fuck are they to continue protesting earthly abortion at medical clinics and Planned Parenthood offices? Who do these sanctimonious fools think they are?
How can anyone who reads Hosea 9 subsequently continue worshiping BibleGod? How can they continue opposing abortion when they read that their own God favors the activity and not only favors it but performs it?! What's up with these ignorant fucks?
Notice that in verse 14 God promises abortion via miscarriage. We must keep in mind that earthly miscarriages are unintentional, or "accidents." Women don't plan miscarriages or make them happen. But this scenario is different. The almighty God, who has the power of life and death, causes miscarriages. Therefore, they are abortions in this case.
In verse 16, God is even harsher. He vows pure, unadulterated murder of babies in the womb.
These two verses of Hosea 9 make pro-life Christians the ultimate hypocrites, not to mention the ultimate ignoramuses since most of them are probably unaware of Hosea 9's existence, and the ultimate practitioners of selective reading, as they commonly avoid controversial chapters of their precious Book.
Let's return, dear Bible reader, to the opening verse of chapter 9. It doesn't say "Rejoice, O Israel!" It says "Rejoice not!" The remainder of the chapter presents a variety of reasons for not being happy and joyful. And if Yahweh tells you to be unhappy and unjoyous you better do what the fuck he says.
The latter part of verse 1 is curious. Does "thou hast gone a whoring from thy God, thou hast loved a reward on every corn floor" imply prostitution inside storage bins of corn? Who knows? It just might, because in chapter 2 of this same minor prophet book, in verses 4 and 5 in particular, Yahweh promises a life of whoredom for unborn children! That makes you wonder why he aborts some unborn children instead of letting all of them be born to enjoy a life of happy whoremongering. It also makes you wonder why Yahweh ever erased Sodom and Gomorrha from fucking existence. What a fickle fucking God...
It almost sounds like Yahweh favours whoredom, adultery, lechery, all manner of pleasures of the flesh, does it not? After all, in the very second verse of chapter 1 He commands the minor prophet to find a whore and marry her. If Hosea had complied, he might have been rewarded with being a major prophet instead of a minor one, but apparently he didn't obey God's command.
But naw, no fucking way, this can't be true! God is against harlots and harlotry, ain't he? That's what my granddaddy told me so it's gotta be true. God is good God is great. He's great He's wonderful. He's holy and righteous. He wouldn't tell noone to marry a slut! Almighty, all-righteous, morally perfect Gawd is against prostitution and whoremongering, ain't He?
Returning to chapter 9, we see in verses 3 and 4 how Yahweh vows to curse his own chosen people with eating "unclean things" and the distress of "all that eat thereof shall be polluted." Does this mean a case of gastrointestinal discomfort or a deeper punishment? Does it maybe imply a case of food poisoning for eating unclean things? Shit!, if this is how God treats his chosen people, why in the fuck does it do any good to be blest of God and in the chosen race?
BibleGod/Yahweh/God - keep in mind these are interchangeable terms all referring to the same guy - sends affliction with nettles and thorns in verse 6. Christians say everything has a purpose, and obviously God created nettles and thorns so their purpose could be fulfilled in inflicting pain upon humans. The God of pain strikes again.
Read on to the next verse. The prophet is a fool?! Is God serious? By calling his prophets fools, God calls Himself a fool, since He is the one who inspires prophets with his divine wisdom and foreknowledge of the future.
Furthermore, if the prophet is a fool we can take lightly the rest of the Bible, and not worry about any of its predictions coming to pass, since foolish prophets are the men who made those predictions.
Verse 13: How endearing. I just love God.
And now we have come full circle to the infamous verse 14, with which this commentary began. Verses 14 and 16 remind the Bible explorer of a more horrific, even more graphic verse a few chapters later - the verse that even more forcefully casts light on anti-abortionist Fundamentalist Bible-worshipers as extreme hypocrites, Hosea 13:16: "their infants shall be dashed in pieces, and their women with child shall be ripped up."
At least modern abortionists perform their procedures professionally, and not in the sloppy way depicted here. And at least they don't do abortions out of jealousy and wrath as BibleGod did. Apparently the priestly element which devised Yahweh had little concern for human life, even very young human life.
Verse 15: What was that I heard the other day: "God loves you"? Christians, if God loves everyone, like you say, Hosea 9:15 is a lie.
Killing babies is bad enough, but the entirety of Hosea chapter 9 is purely negative. It is altogether gloomy. The God of cheer has abandoned it.
The first Bible reader who can detect anything positive or uplifting in this horrific, nightmarish, bloody chapter will receive a $5 million reward. But not from me.
Amos 3:6, Micah 2:3
As in Isaiah 45, JehovahAlmightyYahweh (J.A.Y.) claims responsibility for evil. This leaves no room for doubt for the theologians, and that's probably what pisses them off. They can sit there and read the verses and see that God, even in first person narrative, admits being the author of evil, yet they will still try to figure it all out for themselves, showing their lack of faith and belief in JAY.
We can further consult the Books of Kings and the Books of Sams for JAY's evil actions and attitudes, including when He sent an evil spirit to Saul, but some people are still not convinced no matter what.
JAY isn't one to waste time. He doesn't even say "Hi Zeph, how ya doin'?" He just starts railing on him right away. Poor 'ol Zephaniah. He barely knows that JAY wants to talk to him and JAY starts lambasting him with promises of utterly consuming. How rude.
JAYGod even promises "a great crashing from the hills" in verse 10. When you read shit like this, you know He's serious. But how is He going to crash? With a mighty cymbal, maybe? The method of crashing around in the hills isn't revealed.
Verse 15 may be the most negative verse in The Babble, although it has to battle many contenders. There's absolutely not one positive or hopeful thing in this verse, but only negatives as JAY promises abject misery to the human race. It sounds a lot like Jeremiah 25, in which JAY vows yet another apocalyptic temper tantrum.
In chap 2, he gets specific, targeting the Canaanites, Philistines, and Ethiopians.
In chap 3, verse 8, he goes on a worldwide mad, promising his wrath to all nations and kingdoms, and reveals his ulterior motive: justifying his jealousy. Sounds kinda human, doesn't it, like maybe JAYGod is a concoction of the human mind? Wouldn't a God be above having a human trait like jealousy?
The last verse of the Old Testament...thank goodness it's over! We've reached the end of this laughable, horrific collection of books which millions errantly believe was written by God through men. And it's an appropriate ending, but not a happy one. We can't even relax as we ease into the New Testament, for Jehovah-God is still threatening to bring a curse upon us if we fuck up.
The night of the living dead, biblical style...skeletal corpses reanimated all over the place...George Romero ain't got nothin' on this dude Jesus...
Luke 15 ("The Prodigal Son")
This is one of the best parts of the Bible (Ecclesiastes is the other best part). The story commonly called "The Prodigal Son" is a genuinely positive, touching, endearing story.
The father forgiving the son after the son realized the error of his ways and returned home is the right thing to do. The son realizing he'd done wrong and admitting it is also a good thing.
The Prodigal Son is one of the few positive spots in the Bible and a far cry from the retribution of the Pentateuch, in which disobedient sons were stoned to death...