ButtNek-ked Man Of God

In Isaiah 20, we see how Yahweh commands one of his prophets to run around in his state of nature for three years. He instructs this most famous of prophets to go butt-naked "for a sign and wonder upon Egypt and upon Ethiopia," to inspire the freeing of Egyptian and Ethiopian slaves.

Earlier in the Bible, the Hebrews had enslaved Egyptians for a pretty long fucking time, but apparently God had changed his mind by the time of Isaiah 20 on how to treat Egyptians.

Aside from the obvious consideration of whether the climate was pleasant and steady enough to comfortably accommodate Isaiah's state of freedom, the text makes us ponder other implications.

One is, was Isaiah the world's first streaker?

Another question is: Did he wear sunscreen? I certainly hope so, for his sake, and I hope he wore a cap, but then again he couldn't have since he was totally nek-ked. I'm sure God used miraculous powers to protect him, though. The Israeli desert can be pretty fucking brutal and harsh.

A curious thing about Isaiah 20 is that God instructs the prophet to get naked by removing his sackcloth and shoes. Apparently Isaiah donned only a fabric to cover his sac and balls, not to mention his uncircumcised peter, every day when he rolled out of his tent, and a couple of things to cover his feet. They were probably sandals, but they probably didn't resemble Birkenstocks, and Isaiah probably didn't buy them at the Gap.

Isaiah was evidently a prototype of Tarzan, wearing only a loincloth and shoes as he proclaimed the name of the Lord. Maybe this is where Edgar Rice Burroughs got his inspiration. But then again, Tarzan never wore shoes. And instead of swinging from lianas, Isaiah must have swung from olive branches.

The prophet paraded around the Near East for three whole years. The Bible doesn't say exactly where he ran, but I assume it was in Israel. Maybe he ran around the globe, which would have been easy since the world was just one big landmass six thousand years ago - at least that's what the reconstructionist-geologist-paleontologist gap theory-preachin' Fundamentalists tell us.

And not only was he naked, he was fuckin' naked. He was also barefoot. Apparently being barefooted is not an aspect of being naked. But God emphasizes how Isaiah was barefoot and naked. God, in his infinite wisdom in inspiring the Bible into human minds, spake it twice. "And he did so, walking naked and barefoot." And again: "Like as my prophet Isaiah hath walked naked and barefoot three years..."

The Lord wants you to know that Isaiah was both barefoot and naked. This is very important. Don't risk going to Hell over doubting the veracity of this scripture and the importance of being naked and having naked feet.

Isaiah surely experienced many weather changes and changes in seasons while frolicking in his full nudity, which must've felt good to the old dude. I envy him. How often I've wanted to strip down and run naked through the streets of Kansas City.

He ran through all manner of hailstorms, through sleet, and snow and sunshine. He dodged cactus and pissed-off serpents. This man was dedicated to the Lord.

But wait. Apparently Isaiah wore only one shoe. Verse 2 says "Go and loose the sackcloth from thy loins. And put off the shoe from thy foot." Shouldn't the text say: "Put off the shoes from thine feet"? Surely God, being omniscient and all, wouldn't make such an oversight. Surely Isaiah wore two shoes, despite the holy text implying he wore just one.

In the end, I get one comforting thought from Isaiah 20. That is that we should be thankful that modern fat Fundamentalist preachers and televangelists like John Hagee don't emulate Isaiah by getting naked and taking to the streets themselves.